Tuesday, September 24, 2013

[League Update] Week 3: The one with all the numbers

Academic Probation, The Reservoir Dogs and PerpetualMotionSquad: we need to talk. Are you sitting down? Good.

You're 0-3. I'm sure you know that. But I need to give you some bad news.

No team that has started 0-3 has made the playoffs (championship or consolation) in the two years of the league. (That's also true of teams starting 0-2.)

There are a couple of bright spots: PerpetualMotionSquad started 0-5 in 2012 and nearly made the consolation playoffs, finishing 6-8. In 2011, Blaupunkt was one of two teams (with Big Kahuna Burger) to start the season 0-4 but came back to win the league in 2012.

Chicks Dig Scars and iwishiwouldhaveplayedtuba (the 3-0 teams): the news isn't much better for you.

The team with the best starts in each of the league's two seasons has failed to win the championship. Chicks Dig Scars started the 2011 season 7-0 but finished 9-5 and lost both games in the championship playoffs to finish fourth. And we all remember when Correctamundo, which started 12-0, lost in the championship to Blaupunkt last year.

Some other numbers:

  • 2011 champion Taking it to the next level started the season 1-2 but finished 10-4. 2012 champion Blaupunkt started 2-1 and finished 9-5. 
  • The worst record to make the championship playoffs (top four teams) both years was 8-6. 
  • Two 6-8 teams (The Dream Crushers and Academic Probation) made the consolation playoffs in 2011. 
  • Last year, all four teams in the consolation playoffs were 7-7 coming into the playoffs. 
  • Five teams have started 0-2 or worse over the last two seasons: 
    • 2011 Blaupunkt 0-4 (4-10)
    • 2011 Big Kahuna Burger 0-4 (4-10)
    • 2012 Dolphins of Old 0-2 (4-10)
    • 2012 Academic Probation 0-2 (6-8)
    • 2012 PerpetualMotionSquad 0-5 (6-8)


Fair warning: NSFW

How about the numbers iwishiwouldhaveplayedtuba has been putting up? He's making me wishiwoulhavedoneautodraft. Tuba scorched the league this week with 127.64 and beat PerpetulMotionSquad easily. 

Look at PMS' (heh heh) icon, with that green bird looking thing. He's an Eagles fan. So not only did he have to watch his Eagles lose to the Chiefs (!!!) Thursday, but he watched LeSean McCoy (21.8 points) and Michael Vick (15.94) tear him up in fantasy. E-A-G-L-E-S ... awww ... 

This week's Sad Trombone Award goes to Getting over the hump for a listless 53.1 point performance against Correctamundo. And Correctamundo takes the You Got Lucky award for scoring just 73.28 in a winning performance. 

Several games came down to one or two players in the Sunday night and Monday night games. 

I (finally) got my first win because Peyton Manning is awesome and didn't throw to just Wes Welker, who Blaupunkt had in the starting lineup. 
The Reservior Dogs put faith in a kicker ...
... but it didn't work. The Muscular Mathletes got 31.6 points from Pittsburgh's Antonio Brown to win comfortably.

And finally: TWEET(s) OF THE WEEK!

Allow me to set the scene. Big Kahuna Burger came into Monday night's game between the Broncos and Raiders needing 8 points from Darren McFadden (Oakland) to tie Can't Be That Hard.

Then this happened.


Yep, that's a passing touchdown for McFadden.

Well, technically she beat you because McFadden scored a junk touchdown with about a minute left. But who's counting?
The Thursday night game this week is the 49ers against the Rams. Decide if you want to start players on those teams by Thursday night's kickoff. Set the rest of your lineup by Sunday's games.

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey
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Tuesday, September 17, 2013

[League Update] Week 2: "You play to win the game!" - Not Ron Rivera

*Note: In an effort to make this blog more than just my soapbox, send me anything you'd like to see added to the weekly post: a rant, gloating, trash talk, you name it. Send it to me on Twitter, in an email or in a text.

Like the Carolina Panthers, I am 0-2. Unlike Panthers coach Ron Rivera, I'm willing to admit something is wrong. Like the Panthers' coaching staff, no one is safe going into next week.

If this keeps up, I'm going to have to rename this blog "Diary of a sad fantasy football commissioner."



Joining me in the basement: Academic Probation, PerpetualMotionSquad (he's trying this time!) and The Reservoir Dogs.

Like the Chiefs (THE CHIEFS!!), the following teams are 2-0: iwishiwouldhaveplayedtuba, Chicks Dig Scars, Getting over the hump and Blaupunkt.

Speaking of iwishiwouldhaveplayedtuba: Who knew that getting Michael Vick in the autopick draft was going to be a good thing? Guy has the third highest point total of all QBs after two weeks. And iwishyouwouldhavepickedashortername has the highest cumulative "points for" score so far. Well played, sir.

A large part of that "points for" number came in Week 2, when he scored a league-high 133.22 points. Shout out to Muscular Mathletes for scoring 121.16 points after finishing dead last in Week 1. (Yes, she did make me put that in.)

Week 2's Sad Trombone Award goes to Dolphins of Old, who tumbled from his perch, scoring just 59.44 points in Week 2 after having the highest Week 1 score.

Now it's time for TWEET OF THE WEEK! (Y'all got to give me better options. See the top of this post.)


Because of that, Blaupunkt, I'm awarding you this week's You Got Lucky award for having the lowest "points for" number of the 2-0 teams.


(Did I just use this as an excuse to play some Daft Punk? YUP.)

Blaupunkt didn't have the lowest winning score of Week 2, though. That goes to Something with 82.48 points.

This week's Thursday night game: Kansas City Chiefs at Philadelphia Eagles. If you have players on those teams, decide to play them or sit them by kick on Thursday. Set everything else by kick on Sunday. Or don't, especially if your name is Matt.

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey
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Tuesday, September 10, 2013

[League Update] Week 1: It is what it is ...

Give me a second. I need this.



It's beautiful, isn't it? Seven touchdowns. Ties a record. I've watched it again and again. It helps me forget that -- despite this amazing performance -- I lost.

Peyton Manning and his 46.28 points weren't enough to beat Dolphins of Old's juggernaut of Andrew Luck (24.92 points), Adrian Peterson (29.1) and Brandon Marshall (16.4). I lost by two daggum points.

I had the second highest point total in the league and still start the season 0-1. It hurts. But that's the way this game is, I guess.

Congrats to Dolphins of Old for racking up a league-high 124.72 points in the first week. Dolphins, Big Kahuna Burger and I all had more than 120 points.

Five other teams had at least 100 points. It was a big week for a lot of players ... except for the ones on the Muscular Mathletes. The Mathletes get this week's Sad Trombone Award for scoring a league-low 57 points. I think any rumors of nepotism have been squashed.

But there's always next week, right? Maybe Manning will have another career game. Or maybe one of my running backs will play worth a damn. You never know.

The games start on Thursday once again with the Patriots taking on the Jets. Make a decision on players for those teams before that game kicks off. Then be sure to set the rest of your lineup before kickoff on Sunday.

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey

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Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Wait, the season starts when?!?

Thursday.

Yep, just 24 hours from when I'm typing this Wednesday night.

I know, the time has flown, right? Didn't seem that long ago that we were drunkenly quietly concentrating and picking teams at the draft party. But it's true: Opening day is upon us!

The season kicks off Thursday night when the Ravens face the Broncos. The rest of the teams play Sunday and Monday.

This means that if you have players players on the Ravens and/or Broncos, you need to decide by tomorrow evening if you're going to start them or sit them. For the teams that play Sunday, you'll still have until kickoff on that day to set the rest of your lineup. But it's probably a good idea to go ahead and check your lineup, especially if you haven't looked at it since draft day.

This is your warning. No complaining if you didn't get your lineup set. I'll sic Katie on you.

Good luck!
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