Wednesday, October 30, 2013

[League Update] Week 8: We need to talk ...

Royale with Cheesers: We need to talk.

I know we're midway through the season and the newness has worn off. I know that Halloween is coming up and you're trying to craft the perfect costume. And I'm fully aware that my jokes in the blog post have gone drastically downhill. But this is unacceptable.

Three teams -- Chicks Dig Scars, Blaupunkt and Dolphins of Old -- failed to set a complete lineup this week. These are all teams that have done well this season. Dolphins has had some of the highest scores of the season, Blaupunkt started 2-0 (and is one of the few that brings it on the Twitter trash talk, but we'll get to that) and Chicks had the friggin' avatar for a few weeks this season.

C'mon, y'all! You can set your lineup from a mobile app, for Pete's sake. No excuses! Play like champions!

Also, where is the trash talk? A few of you are taking to Twitter to gloat about your team, and I appreciate it. But we need more! What's the point of fantasy football if you're not going to bust your opponent when his quarterback scores negative points?!? (More on that later ...)

Use the Twitter, the comments on this blog or the message board on the league site. That's what it's for.

One owner, who shall remain nameless, responded to trash talk from another owner, who shall also remain nameless, by saying that (s)he doesn't even look at his/her team until Tuesday and figured it would lose anyway. Then that owner said (s)he hoped the original trash talker won the league.

HUH?!?

Less of that! More of this:



That's the kind of passion I want to see, people! I know it's hard when we're not all in the same place, but we can do this. I have faith in all of you. Bring out the smack talk.

Onto the League Update ...

One team that is taking this league seriously to a scary degree is Muscular Mathletes. The Mathletes reeled off a seventh straight win and is still in first place.

Because Chicks lost (see above) and Jeff Fisher's Mullet lost (...) the Mathletes now have a cozy two game lead on the league. And the Gronk is back.

As Peyton Manning goes, so do the Mullets. And Peyton Manning went "eh." The elder Manning is finally cooling off after his hot start, which means the Mullets need someone (anyone!) else on the team to step up. *Looks at roster, starts quietly weeping.*

The league is still really bunched up right now. The difference between second place and 13th place is two games. We're just past the halfway point of the season, so a lot can still happen. Remember that the top four teams go into the championship bracket and the next four go into the consolation bracket. The bottom six teams go into no bracket. Don't let that be you.

I started to write that I felt bad for PerpetualMotionSquad. PMS can't catch a break. The team is 1-7. It would take a miracle at this point for the team to make the playoffs. This is the same team that started off 0-5 last year. But the owner is getting to hang out in Australia, so whatever.

Let's take a trip in the Way Back Machine. I wrote this sentence in the League Update for Week 2:

Speaking of iwishiwouldhaveplayedtuba: Who knew that getting Michael Vick in the autopick draft was going to be a good thing?

I may have spoken too soon. Vick scored negative .7 points last week. Ouch. I'm pretty sure Christian Ponder is still a free agent.

The Reservoir Dogs are back in the hunt after 78-74 win over Big Kahuna Burger, which has now lost four straight. The Dogs also get this week's You Got Lucky Award for having the lowest winning score.


Getting over the hump is on a bit of a roll, winning its third straight game 112-46 over the aforementioned Dolphins of Old. Dolphins gets the Sad Trombone Award for its half-hearted 46 point performance.

The top scorer of Week 8 was Correctamundo with 122 points.


Megatron went nuts Sunday. I mean, 329 reception yards?? C'mon, man. That's ridiculous.

Which brings us to TWEET OF THE WEEK:


Something's owner texted me this week and said "This week is gonna be a tipping point." Will it be? We'll see.

This week's Thursday night game is between the Cincinatti Bengals and the Miami Dolphins. Decide what you want to do with players on those teams before Thursday night and set the rest of your lineup by Sunday.

Teams with byes this week: Cardinals, Lions, Jaguars, Giants, 49ers and Broncos. WAIT, WHAT?!? No! I can't live without Peyton. And I play the Mathletes this week?? This is so unfair!

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACL's (except for the Mathletes),

Corey
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Tuesday, October 22, 2013

[League Update] Week 7: 'It pays to do your math homework'

A new video! You (may, but probably don't) know what that means ...


A new league leader and a new avatar. Muscular Mathletes came through with a strong performance to beat Chicks Dig Scars (5-2) 111-80 in a game between two teams tied for first place. The Mathletes (6-1) have won six games in a row since having the lowest point total in Week 1. Impressive stuff.

Let me take this time to say that the Mathletes have not gotten here with help from me. The owner is obsessed. She was checking her phone Tuesday night, game-planning for the match-up with Chicks. She was genuinely worried that, by some miracle, Hakeem Nicks would score 40 points Monday night and she would lose. I have created a monster.

The other team in the household, Jeff Fisher's Mullets, has also been impressive, if I may say so. (I may.) Peyton Manning came through once again, scoring just enough in a loss Sunday night to help the Mullets beat iwishiwouldhaveplayedtuba 90-86. Both teams were tied for second place in the league. That's now five straight wins for your Mullets after starting 0-2.

The middle of the league is all kinds of bunched up. Nine teams are either 4-3 or 3-4. Playoff spots are very up for grabs.

Something else I noticed while looking at the standings: The "Points For" and "Points Against" for some teams are very interesting.

Blaupunkt (3-4) has benefited from having the lowest "Points against" total in the league: 564.78.

The Reservoir Dogs, on the other hand, have had a rough draw. Teams have scored 743.7 against the Dogs, an average of more than 106 points per week. That's 70 more total points than any other team has had scored against it. With that considered, it's impressive the Dogs are even 3-4.

Wonder why PerpetualMotionSquad is at the bottom of the league at 1-5? It has scored 512.92 total points this year. That's 73.3 points per game for PMS, and more than 50 points lower than the total of any other team in the league. PMS may want to consider some roster moves.

Speaking of, PMS was part of the saddest game of the season in Week 7, losing to Getting over the hump 59.18-50.50. I haven't gone back through the entire history of the league, but I can't remember any game where both teams scored in the 50s. That's rough, y'all.

That actually brings us to the TWEET OF THE WEEK!


It loves you, too. Congratulations for winning the You Got Lucky Award.

The Mathletes, in addition to being the stars of the video, scored the most points in the league in Week 7 with 111.56 points.

Something's owner texted me last week complaining that he hadn't made the League Update this year until I mentioned his lack of a running back in Week 6. While that's simply not true, I told him he would make this week. And, boy, did he give me a reason to write about him.

Something managed just 49.32 points (with a full lineup) in a loss to Blaupunkt. To make things worse, players on Something's bench outscored its starters by nearly 30 points. Three players on the bench scored at least 20 points. That performance is very worthy of the Sad Trombone Award for Week 7.

This week's Thursday night game is between the Panthers and Buccaneers. Make sure to decide what you want to do with players on those teams before Thursday night. Set the rest of your lineup by kickoff Sunday.

Teams on a bye Week 8: Ravens, Bears, Texans, Colts, Chargers and Titans.

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey
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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

[League Update] Week 6: Started from the bottom ...

Started from the bottom now we're here.
Started from the bottom now my whole team f***in' here.
-Drake

Awwwwww, yeah. The Inscoe household is killing it right now.

If you remember, Muscular Mathletes started the season with the worst score in the league. The team has won five straight since then and moved into a tie for first place.

Jeff Fisher's Mullet started 0-2 and has now reeled off four straight wins to move into a tie for second.

We started from the bottom now we're here.

***

We have another week of huge match-ups in the league.

Last week two teams tied for first place -- Chicks Dig Scars and iwishiwouldhaveplayedtuba -- met, with Chicks keeping a hold on first place and the Twitter avatar. In Week 7, the two teams tied for first play again with Mathletes and Chicks. (Girl fight!)

Just below them in the standings, two teams tied for second face off in Week 7: Mullet and tuba. (The other team tied for second, Correctamundo, plays 2-4 The Reservoir Dogs.) It's worth noting that, though we're tied in the standings, tuba has scored 103 more points this season than I have.

One team has been moving the opposite direction in the standings over the past few weeks. Defending champion Blaupunkt has lost 4 straight games after starting the season 2-0. Is the king dead?



Last week, I tossed out the idea of changing my team name to "Peyton Manning and the Horse****s." It made sense at the time. He was scoring at least 30 points a week and was basically the only reason I had three wins coming into last week. And in Week 6, he was playing the Jaguars. The hopeless, hopeless soon-to-be L.A. Jaguars! I figured he would have 50 points and come out at halftime.

Thirteen points. Peyton threw an interception and fumbled twice. Wow. Luckily, other players stepped up enough to chomp Big Kahuna Burger. (See top of post.)

A couple of games came down to Monday night again last week. Correctamundo (4-2) sneaked past Academic Probation (1-5) 94.98-92.6 with 4.3 points from T.Y. Hilton before he got hurt Monday night. Cant Be That Hard (3-3) used 8.8 points from Reggie Wayne Monday to beat PerpetualMotionSquad (1-5) 83.72-74.96.


Week 6 was a relatively low scoring week. It was the first time all year that no team scored more than 100 points.

The top scorer from Week 6 was Muscular Mathletes with 97.68.

The You Got Lucky Award yours truly, for scoring the lowest point total (79.1) of the winners in Week 6. (Friggin' Peyton Manning.)

And this week's Sad Trombone goes to Dolphins of Old, which has been about as consistent as a roller coaster this season. Dolphins scored 47.88 in a loss to Something, which didn't even start an active running back.

Now it's time for TWEETS OF THE WEEK!

We had some major trash talking this week! OK, it was pretty minor. But it happened. And, otherwise, y'all were kind of boring on the tweeter this weekend.*



Yeah, that whole 20 points thing didn't happen. Better luck next time.

This week's Thursday night game -- if you're not watching UNC get killed by totally come out of nowhere and beat Miami (positive thoughts ...) -- is between the Seattle Seahawks and the Arizona Cardinals. Set your players for those teams by kickoff Thursday. Set everything else by Sunday.

Teams with a bye week: Saints and Raiders.

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey

*Seriously, I want your submissions for the blog. Tweeting is one way, but you can also shoot me a longer email or text with something you want included. I'll be happy to add it in. 
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Tuesday, October 8, 2013

[League Update] Week 5: Everyone's a winner. And a loser.

I'm starting the blog with Peyton Manning again. It's my blog, dammit. 

Just look at this: 



1) This guy is like 90 years old, 2) He tricked EVERYONE in the stadium and 3) Jogged into the end zone like he was winning the nursing home 5K. Magical. 

His talented geriatric butt helped me take down undefeated and first-place Chicks Dig Scars 96.96-87.46. 
Oh yeah, that happened.

But seriously, I would be 0-5 if not for Peyton Manning. I'm this close to renaming my team "Peyton and the Horses***s." How in the world did I feel good about this team after I drafted? But, because of Peyton, I've won three straight weeks and moved up to tied for fourth.

It got scary Monday night, though. Matt Ryan and Julio Jones made a furious comeback. Thank goodness they didn't connect on any touchdown passes.

I wasn't the only one sweating out Monday night.

Correctamundo edged past Big Kahuna Burger 77.24-74.48 in this week's "You're sleeping on the couch!" game. He earned the win with 4.7 points from Bilal Powell Monday night.

Another prayer for bodily harm went unfulfilled.
Academic Probation squeaked out its first win of the year (!!!) by less than a point because the Falcons defense managed to get three points.

PerpetualMotionSquad also got its first win of the year (!!!) and it would have come down to Monday night if Something's running back, Steven Jackson, had actually played.

In honor of his win, I won't use Perpetual's unfortunate acronym.

The Reservoir Dogs snuck past Cant Be That Hard 110.42-108.28 to win its second game in a row. The Dogs had the highest score of the week and that one did not come down to Monday night.
Finally, Muscular Mathletes has won a fourth straight game after having the lowest score Week 1. She's now in a tie for first. (I swear that nepotism thing is not happening.)

If you're keeping score at home, you'll know that now every team has at least one win and one loss. This league is wide open.

Now for the awards!

The most fitting Sad Trombone Award of the year goes to Blaupunkt (he plays trombone ... get it?) who barely showed up with a 48 point performance. One player scored in double digits. Ouch.

The You Got Lucky Award is too-close-to-call between Correctamundo and PerpetualMotionSquad, both scoring 77 points in wins. PMS (oopsies) .92 points out of his quarterback, Matt Schaub.



Now for TWEET OF THE WEEK!

Football has been unkind to your commissioner. It's hard to watch the sport when your two teams (Tar Heels and Panthers) have combined for two wins and are so hopeless I'm not sure either will win again.

The only thing keeping me sane is fantasy football.

It's good to know one person is looking out for me.

Thanks, Vader.

This week's Thursday game is between the Giants and Bears. If you have players on those teams, decide what you want to do before kickoff Thursday night. Set the rest by Sunday.

Teams with a bye in Week 6: Falcons and Dolphins.

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey
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Tuesday, October 1, 2013

[League Update] Week 4: Tubas fall, Scars win

It's a big day people. A big day! Why? Watch the video.


That's right, we've got a new Twitter avatar, changed as soon as this post was published. How long will Chicks Dig Scars keep it? That's up to you guys.

Chicks pulled it off in dramatic fashion, getting 24.2 points from Darren Sproles on Monday night in the come-from-behind victory over Blaupunkt. Nearly 70 of Chicks' points came in Sunday Night and Monday Night Football. Clutch.

iwishiwouldhaveplayedtuba also came into the week 3-0, but he didn't do as well. He actually requested I use this video to describe his performance in Week 4:



Tuba fail.

"Tubas might be heading down the drain," iwishiwouldhaveplayedtuba said over the phone about his team's 136-120 loss to Dolphins of Old.

When Dolphins of Old is on, it's scary. He had the highest point total this week and, if you remember, he made me cry into this blog after beating me with the highest point total opening week. The combination of Andrew Luck and Adrian Peterson is scary.

Speaking of scary combinations: PerpetualMotionSquad and Academic Probation are 0-4.

Now PMS started last year 0-5, but then he had an excuse: He had no idea what he was doing. He didn't know how to set a line up. Once he found out, he had a solid season, barely missing out on the playoffs.

This year? No excuse.

The following is an ill-prepared written statement from PMS:

i missed my injury update - and got so fucking drunk on Saturday night that I didn't bother waking up to double check my lineup

So there you have it. Drinking is bad.

This week's Sad Trombone Award goes to Courtney's Honda Civic Hybrid, which lost an unfortunate fight with an Acura.

It looks like it's frowning, doesn't it?

It led a long, happy and eco-friendly life. We will now take a moment of silence and remember all the moments of silence the hybrid gave us when the engine shut off at stoplights to save gas and our planet.

[...]

Thank you.

This week's You Got Lucky Award goes to Cant Be That Hard, who had the lowest winning point total (83.28) in Week 4.

Now it's time for TWEET(s) OF THE WEEK!


This week's Thursday night game is between ... wait, is that right? No way that's the nationally televised game. Really? Wow ...

This week's Thursday night game is between the Buffalo Bills and Cleveland Browns. If you're starting players on either of those teams, figure out what you want to do before Thursday. Set the rest of the lineup by Sunday.

Teams on a bye week this week: Vikings, Steelers, Buccaneers and Redskins.

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey
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