Wednesday, December 17, 2014

[League Update] Week 15: Family drama in the RWC championship

Father/Son Inscoe Bowl IX will the be biggest one yet; It will decide the 2014 Royale with Cheese championship. And it happens that Dolphins of Old's owner and I will be celebrating Christmas together this weekend. That could make for a tense Sunday.

How did we get here? Dolphins of Old blew out semifinal opponent Cant Be That Hard 126-77 last weekend. CBTH only had to players score in double digits: Matt Ryan (21) and DeMarco Murray (20). Dolphins could have had even more points had it started the Patriots defense (18 points) over the Rams D (5). Dolphins also had two players score less than two points: Keenan Allen and Tre Mason. (Yes, I'm worried.)

 Dec 15
Second year running, I've made the playoffs and run out of steam when it really mattered

The other semifinal was much closer. Jeff Fisher's Mullet outlasted regular season champ Turn Down For Watt 97-82.


It came down to Monday night, when TD4W had three players playing -- Matt Forte, Martellus Bennett and Shayne Graham -- and the Mullets had one: Marques Colston. Lucky for the Mullets, Colston scored a touchdown and the Chicago offense is a hot mess. (This evening, the Bears announced that Jimmy Clausen would be the starting quarterback. Jimmy. Clausen.)



Here are some interesting numbers heading into the RWC final:

  • This is the ninth meeting between Dolphins and Mullets. The Mullets lead the series 5-3. 
  • The two teams met twice this season. The Mullets won both, including a 103-101 win in the final week of the regular season to get the Mullets into the championship playoffs.
  • This is Dolphins' first appearance in the championship game. The team has only made it to the playoffs once before: 2011, when the team was called Tobs 11 and finished fourth.
  • This is the Mullets' second appearance in the championship game. The Mullets lost to Taking it to the next level (Go big or go home) 113-69 in the 2011 championship.
  • This is the second year in a row that the Nos. 3 and 4 seeds will meet in the championship. This will also be the third straight season that the regular season champion doesn't win the league.
  • Projections give Dolphins a 115-93 edge, but we all know how reliable those predictions have been.
Academic Probation and The Reservoir Dogs will meat in the finals of the consolation bracket.

Academic Probation beat Big Kahuna Burger 118-72 in the first semifinal and The Reservoir Dogs beat Big Poppa 76-46 in the other semifinal. 

And six other teams didn't play at all last week. Womp. 

To the awards! 

Dolphins of Old was the week's highest scorer with 126. Here's hoping it scores half that this weekend.

The Sad Trombone goes to Big Poppa, which went from taking over the Twitter avatar in Week 7 to playing in the seventh-place game. 

What. Just. Happened?

There's no Jameis Winston Award this week because I didn't notice any egregious decisions in the semifinals. Instead, watch this:



The final Thursday night game that anyone cares about this season is between the Titans and Jaguars. Wait, what? How in the world is that a primetime game? Wow.

No teams have a bye this late in the season.

Best of luck to everyone in the playoffs this week! Except Dolphins. Less luck to you.

Corey
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Wednesday, December 10, 2014

[League Update] Week 14: Everyone #TD4W

Congratulations to 2014 Royale with Cheese regular season champion Turn Down For Watt (11-3). Its owner sat down with me (virtually) to talk about the season and her hatred for RGIII and the Cowboys.



And here's the Turn Down for Watt video I mentioned at the beginning.


The regular season champion has only won the league championship once, the first year of the league (2011) when Taking it to the next level (Go big or go home) did it. In 2012 Correctamundo finished second and in 2013 the Muscular Mathletes finished fourth.

And, yes, TD4W would be the first female champion in RWC history.

Cant Be That Hard may have finished second in the regular season, but it was the season's highest point-scorer. CBTH's 1,450 points is the most in league history.

Four teams tied for second place at 9-5, making Sunday and Monday nights quite tense. One of the teams wasn't going to make it into the championship playoffs. That team was Big Poppa, who had the lowest Points for.

That means that both teams that had the Twitter avatar before TD4W -- PerpetualMotionSquad and Big Poppa -- both missed the championship playoffs. The same kind of thing happened last year, when Chicks Dig Scars (TD4W) lost seven straight games and missed the playoffs after having the avatar earlier in the season.

Father/Son Inscoe Bowl VI was a very tense one. Not only was it close, but Jeff Fisher's Mullet needed the win to make the championship playoffs. Thanks to a poor performance by Keenan Allen Sunday night, the Mullets were down to Dolphins of Old by just 4 points coming into Monday night's game. But Randall Cobb -- the Mullets' most consistent receiver all year -- decided to slow play it. It wasn't until a 20-yard pass in the third quarter that Cobb got to four points. The Mullets won 103-101.

Cant Be That Hard made the playoffs for a second year in a row after a 128-116 win over Go big or go home. Go big is this week's winner of the Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions:



Last week was the rare week where it was smart to start Carolina Panthers players. Jonathan Stewart scored 21 points on Go big's bench. It could have replaced several players in the starting lineup and given Go big a win, knocking CBTH out of the playoffs.

TD4W, which had already clinched a playoff spot, beat The Reservoir Dogs 99-79.

So here is how the championship playoff looks:

  • (1) Turn Down For Watt vs. (4) Jeff Fisher's Mullet
  • (2) Cant Be That Hard vs. (3) Dolphins of Old
That playoff guarantees that we will have a first-time champion this season. 

Here is the consolation bracket: 
  • (1) Big Poppa vs. (4) The Reservoir Dogs
  • (2) Academic Probation vs. (3) Big Kahuna Burger
Big Poppa beat the hapless Something 73-44 in the final week of the regular season, but missed out on the championship playoffs because of the Points for tiebreaker. 

Something wins this week's Sad Trombone Award after having four players in the starting lineup score 0 points. 



The week's highest scorer was Academic Probation, who beat Off Constantly in glorious fashion. Academic Probation won by MORE THAN 100 POINTS, 158-55. I don't want to spend the time looking back at all the seasons, but that has to be the largest margin of victory in league history. It is definitely the second-best weekly total in league history. And Academic Probation didn't even start its best lineup. Switch out the tight ends and the score would have been 14 points higher.

Big Kahuna Burger finished the regular season on a three-game losing streak after falling the Muscular Mathletes 70-62. Aaron Rodgers' big night against the Falcons pushed the Mathletes past BKB Monday night. 

And, finally, in the most irrelevant game of the week, PMS beat Blaupunkt 99-79. 


Blame the media all you want, but Blaupunkt's fall from grace is pretty spectacular. After winning the championship in 2012, Blaupunkt has finished 13th each of the past two years. It's actually surprising. The owner knows his football, pays attention and tries to make good roster moves. Maybe he should consult Mrs. Blaupunkt more. 

Note: If you didn't make the playoffs, I made it so that you can't add, drop or trade players. We don't want a player dump to affect the playoffs. 

This week's Thursday night game is between the Cardinals and Rams. No teams are on bye. 

Best of luck to everyone in the playoffs! I hope we'll have a video previewing the 2014 Royale with Cheese championship next week. 

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs, 

Corey
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Wednesday, December 3, 2014

[League Update] Week 13: Playoff scenarios

There is one more week left in the Royale with Cheese regular season. This is me trying to break down the playoff scenarios.

A little something to set the mood (h/t Muscular Mathletes):



Championship playoffs

The following teams have a chance to make the Championship bracket: Turn Down for Watt, Dolphins of Old, Cant Be That Hard, Jeff Fisher's Mullet, Big Poppa, Big Kahuna Burger and The Reservoir Dogs.

--The only team in the league that has a guaranteed championship playoff spot is Turn Down for Watt (10-3). If Turn Down for Watt wins, it is our regular season champion. If it loses and Dolphins of Old wins, it comes down to the Points For tiebreaker.

--Dolphins of Old (9-4) makes the championship playoffs if:
  • It wins. 
  • It loses, but so does Cant Be That Hard OR Big Poppa. 
  • It loses, Cant Be That Hard AND Big Poppa win, but it has a better Points For score than Big Poppa, CBTH, OR Jeff Fisher's Mullet.
--Cant Be That Hard (8-5) makes the championship playoffs if: 
  • It wins AND the Mullets OR Big Poppa lose. 
  • It wins, the Mullets AND Big Poppa win, but it has a better Points For score than BP, JFM OR DoO.
  •  It loses, Mullets OR Big Poppa lose and the losing team(s) has a lower Points For, AND Big Kahuna Burger AND Reservoir Dogs lose OR win and have lower Points For.
--Big Poppa (8-5) makes the championship playoffs if: 
  • It wins AND the Mullets OR CBTH lose. 
  • It wins, the Mullets AND CBTH win, but it has a better Points For score than BP, JFM OR DoO.
  • It loses, Mullets OR CBTH lose and the losing team(s) has a lower Points For, Big Kahuna Burger AND Reservoir Dogs lose OR win and have lower Points For.
--Jeff Fisher's Mullet (8-5) makes the championship playoffs if: 
  • It wins AND Big Poppa OR CBTH lose. 
  • It wins, Big Poppa AND CBTH win, but it has a better Points For score than BP, JFM OR DoO.
  • It loses, Mullets OR CBTH lose and the losing team(s) has a lower Points For, AND Big Kahuna Burger AND Reservoir Dogs lose OR win and have lower Points For.
--Big Kahuna Burger (7-6) makes the championship playoffs if: 
  • It wins, Mullets, CBTH and Big Poppa lose and it has a higher Points For than two of those teams, AND Reservoir Dogs loses or has a lower Points For.
  • It wins, Reservoir Dogs loses or has a lower Points For, AND two of the following teams lose AND have a lower Points For: Mullets, CBTH and Big Poppa.
--The Reservoir Dogs (7-6) make the championship playoffs if: 
  • It wins, Mullets, CBTH and Big Poppa lose and it has a higher Points For than two of those teams, AND BKB loses or has a lower Points For.
  • It wins, AND BKB loses or has a lower Points For, AND two of the following teams lose AND have a lower Points For: Mullets, CBTH and Big Poppa.
That was entirely too much work for the amount of people who read this blog, so I'm not about to do it for the consolation playoffs.

I'll leave it at this, the following teams have a chance of making the consolation bracket: Cant Be That Hard, Jeff Fisher's Mullet, Big Poppa, Big Kahuna Burger, The Reservoir Dogs, Academic Probation, Off Constantly and Go Big or Go Home.

The winner of the Academic Probation and Off Constantly game automatically makes the consolation bracket. If they tie ... just ... they can't tie again.

If Go big or go home wins and Big Kahuna Burger OR The Reservoir Dogs lose, the Points For winner gets in the consolation bracket.

If any of this is wrong, tell me in the comments. But I probably won't change it in the post, because that sounds like work and I've had enough Four Roses to not care.

To the week that was!

Turn Down For Watt and Dolphins of Old are the hottest teams heading into the playoffs. They've both won three straight weeks and dominated in Week 13. Dolphins was our highest point scorer of the week, beating PerpetualMotionSquad 153-91.

TD4W beat Off Constantly 97-62, bringing me to the TWEET OF THE WEEK!

Let's be real, that's got to be TWEET OF THE YEAR. I don't see anyone topping that this week. You're welcome to try, though.


Close, Off Constantly. You definitely get one of these


for starting Drew Stanton over Ryan Fitzpatrick. It wouldn't have won the game, but was a 27 point mistake.

A close second was Big Poppa, which started the 49ers defense (5) over the Vikings (22). Pro tip: If you have the defense that is playing the Panthers, start it. Never forget:



Big Poppa was upset by the Muscular Mathletes 83-68. The Mathletes are in a three-way tie for not last with PMS and Blaupunkt.

Speaking of Blaupunkt ...

Don't you put that evil on me! Blaupunkt wins this week's Sad Trombone Award after scoring 48 points in a loss to The Reservoir Dogs.


Romo and Manning combined to score barely more than 16 points. Six of Blaupunkt's starters scored less than 5 points.

Academic Probation held on to beat Big Kahuna Burger 96-88 thanks to a 31-point performance from Le'Veon Bell that only included one touchdown.

The week's closest game was Go big or go home's 75-74 win over Something, which has lost three straight despite setting real lineups the past two weeks. Something is alone in last place at 3-10. He may get the first pick again, but don't worry, you saw him work the draft software before this season.

And, finally, the week's biggest matchup! Jeff Fisher's Mullet beat Cant Be That Hard 128-111 in a super-high-scoring game. And it could have been higher had CBTH set its ideal lineup. Hopkins had 35 and Stills had 22 on the bench.

 Nov 30
A high-scoring one between me and this week. Come on, Mullets!

 Nov 30
Game over man! Game over! Should have started Hopkins and Stills.

 Nov 30
so many high scorers in that one.

 Dec 2
Yeah. On my BENCH!


That is a scary high-scoring team. Watch out if CBTH makes the championship bracket.

And with that, it's time to set up the final week of the RWC regular season.

This week's Thursday night game is between the Cowboys and Bears. No teams are on a bye (thank goodness). Best of luck with the lineups this week!

And as a reward for making it to the bottom of this ridiculously long post, witness the amazingness that is J.J. Watt:



Go get some popcorn. Some Sno-Caps, perhaps.

Corey
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Thursday, November 27, 2014

[League Update] Week 12: What are you thankful for?

This Thanksgiving morning, what are you thankful for? Family? Friends? Turkey? Bourbon?

Or maybe you're thankful that a player that's been hurt for a couple of weeks is finally likely to play this week (Arian Foster). Or that there are three games on Thanksgiving, so you can avoid family by staring at the TV and then at your phone and then the TV and then the phone ...

PerpetualMotionSquad had better be thankful for this:


Odell Friggin' Beckham Jr. He caught that pass and another touchdown pass, totalling 146 yards and scoring 26.4 points. GTFOH.

PerpetualMotionSquad would get its first win since Week 3 against Jeff Fisher's Mullet. It only makes sense. Perpetual Motion Squad won 97-73. If I was at home I would edit the graph. There would be a little orange tail flicking up at the end.

Now let's jump right into our first award, since it involves the same Giants and Cowboys game.



This may not have been the worst decision of the week, but it was the most audacious one, and it didn't really work out.


 Nov 23
I can almost taste the regret that will exist by the end of the day.


So yeah, Blaupunkt started Tony Romo over Peyton Manning. Why? I have no idea. I can't even construct a thought process that would lead someone to make that decision.

To be fair to Romo, he did score 24 points. But Peyton scored 28. Now, that may not have been enough of a difference to account for Off Constantly's 80-64 win, but still. He started Romo over Peyton.


Turn Down for Watt tried to inject some drama into what ended up being an easy win. The paranoia really cranks up once you get to the final few weeks of the season.


 Nov 23
girl, why you be stressin? You already won!


 Nov 23
my winning streak is going to officially be over

Yeah so TD4W won 109-71 to stay in first place at 9-3, one game in front of three teams tied at 8-4: Cant Be That Hard, Dolphins of Old and Big Poppa. Right now, those are your championship playoff teams.

Big Kahuna's three-game win streak came to an end, putting it in a tie with the Mullets for fifth at 7-5. Off Constantly is sitting in seventh at 6-5-1.

This week's top scorer was Dolphins of Old, which beat The Reservoir Dogs 148-118. There's nothing worse than scoring nearly 120 points and losing. Dolphins had a quarterback (Brees), running back (Anderson), wide receiver (Bryant) and kicker (Parkey!!) who all scored more than 20 points in the match.

The Muscular Mathletes are, once again, the Sad Trombone this week. The Mathletes lost to Go big or go home 89-62. I just asked her how many times she's been the Sad Trombone: "A lot." (Only three times, actually.)


The Mathletes are now tied for last place with Something at 3-9. Go big or go home moves to 5-7 and 10th place.

Something set a lineup for the first time in weeks (Hooray!) ... and lost 115-64 to Cant Be That Hard. That has to be karma or something.

And finally Big Poppa beat Academic Probation 81-69. It was a big win for Big Poppa to stay in second place in the league.

There are only two weeks left in the regular season. Can you believe it? There are three games on Thanksgiving so be sure to get those lineups set before eating yourself into a food coma.

The Bears and Lions kick things off at 12:30 p.m. EST (7:30 a.m. HST). The Eagles and Cowboys play at 4:30 (11:30 HST) and the Seahawks and 49ers play at 8:30 (3:30 HST).

There are no teams on bye this week! I'm pretty sure that's over for the season, so no excuses in the final few weeks.

Wishing you a bunch of turkey and mac and cheese,

Corey
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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

[League Update] Week 11: Avatar=Kiss of death?

In the 2014 Royale with Cheese season, the Twitter avatar has been the kiss of death. Will that change with the third avatar?

PerpetualMotionSquad got it first after starting out 3-0. Since then, PMS has lost eight straight weeks and is tied for last place in the league. I'm pretty sure it's off the graph now.

Big Poppa took over the avatar at 6-1 after Week 7. Since then, the team has lost three straight to move into a tie for second place.

So congratulations -- I guess? -- to the new first-place team: Turn Down For Watt.


TD4W is in first place with a 7-3 record after beating Big Poppa 92-78.

Five teams are tied for second at 6-4, two more than can make the championship playoff. It's worth noting here that the tie breaker is Points For. The odd teams out right now are Jeff Fisher's Mullet and Big Kahuna Burger, but there are still three weeks left in the regular season.

The Mullets took advantage of a Something team that failed to set a fully active lineup for the fourth straight week and won 66-61. (The owner promised me the streak would end this week.) But even with two players on a bye week, Marshawn Lynch and a surprisingly effective Nate Washington got Something within five points.

 Nov 17
I only beat by 5 points. If he gave two craps about his team he'd be a formidable player.

Something nearly beat two Inscoes in back-to-back weeks without a full lineup. Instead it's tied in last place at 3-8.

The upset of the week goes to another team that is tied for last place in the league. The Muscular Mathletes beat Cant Be That Hard 76-66. Cant Be That Hard came into the week tied for first place with TD4W and Big Poppa.

 Nov 16
That was just ugly. I can't wait for BYE weeks to be over.

After last week's loss to Something, the Mathletes' owner considered giving up on the season. She decided to set a lineup just so Cant Be That Hard would have to earn the win. Now I think she's hooked again.

Big Kahuna Burger won for a third straight week, beating Blaupunkt 119-82. Thirty-two of those BKB points came from a Tampa Bay wide receiver. That is not a typo. Thirty more came from the Packers defense. Add in Brandon Marshall's 21 and that's already more points than Blaupunkt's whole team scored.
The week's highest point scorer was Academic Probation, which beat Go big or go home 123-98. Eddie Lacy, Jay Cutler, Alshon Jeffery and Le'Veon Bell all had big weeks for AP and, at 5-5-1, the team is still right in the championship race.

Also at 5-5-1 is Off Constantly. Dolphins of Old beat Off Constantly 84-76 this week. It's about time someone beat Off Constantly! Also, Off Constantly finally joined Twitter. Make sure to follow him and talk trash.
This week's Sad Trombone Award goes to PerpetualMotionSquad, whose season has been one long, slow, sad glissando.


PMS lost to The Reservoir Dogs 78-56. At 6-5, the Dogs are also right in the championship race.

Since I didn't notice any egregious errors, the Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions will take the week off and likely return next week. I could give it to Something, but I don't want to encourage that behavior.

This week's Thursday night game is between the Chiefs and Raiders, but there's a much more important game going on at the same time: Carolina vs. Duke football.

Teams with a bye in Week 12: Steelers and Panthers (thank goodness).

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey
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Thursday, November 13, 2014

[League Update] Week 10: The Panthers are a dumpster fire

Fantasy football is the only thing helping me get through this football season.

I watched Monday night's Panthers vs. Eagles game with Cant Be That Hard's owner. The Panthers turned the ball over twice in the first three plays. Later, Cam Newton threw a hitch pass so bad that the Eagles cornerback honestly looked surprised to have the ball hit him in the stomach, but not so surprised that he couldn't return it for a touchdown.

The game was laughably bad. Something good did come from it, though: Wins for Cant Be That Hard and Jeff Fisher's Mullet.

Cant Be That Hard entered Monday night down a few points to Academic Probation. CBTH had the Eagles defense and tight end Zach Ertz. He had 1.70 points. The Eagles defense racked up 31 with 3 interceptions, two fumbles, a couple touchdowns and nine sacks. Nine.



 19 minutes ago
For this week's update, please note that the Eagles' D, this year's Mr. Irrelevant, won my game AND is the #1 D by far
The Mullets came into Monday night down one point to The Reservoir Dogs. Mullets had Mark Sanchez filling in for a bye-week Andrew Luck. The Dogs had Cam and the Panthers defense.
Cam scored 12 points, most of that coming on junk touchdowns late in the fourth quarter. Why he was still in the game at that point is beyond me. The Panthers defense had -3. Sanchez scored 21. The Mullets won by 12.

Something good from something bad.

I may be biased, but the result between the Muscular Mathletes and Something may be the most ridiculous one of the season. For the third straight week, Something started at least one player on bye, despite having that brought to his attention earlier in the week.

The computers at work block the website, he said. He worked a lot this week, he said. The app wouldn't let him pick up a quarterback, he said. Even if that last part were true, it doesn't explain the empty R/W/T spot (there was an active running back and wide receiver on the bench).

But because Marshawn Lynch -- a player that Something had to be told to start earlier in the season -- had a career game with 140 yards and 4 touchdowns, Something won 63-61. Lynch scored 40 of those points.

Something can't be bothered to set a full lineup each week, but because he has one of the best players in the league, he wins. It just feels wrong.


Having said all that, one roster change would have helped the Mathletes. That's why they are getting the Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions this week.



The Mathletes will argue that I deserve at least partial credit for this award. See, the owner asked me earlier in the week if she should start Ben Roethlisberger or Aaron Rodgers. Big Ben had scored 44 and 35 points in the previous two weeks. Rodgers had hovered right around 25 for three weeks. So my suggestion -- suggestion! -- was to stick with the hot hand. Well, I was wrong.

Roethlisberger looked pretty pathetic against the Jets and scored 13 points. Rodgers looked like he was playing Madden on rookie difficulty and threw six touchdowns in the first half, finishing with 36 points. I don't think the Mathletes will be taking my advice anymore.

Cant Be That Hard's win and losses by Big Poppa -- 115-108 to Blaupunkt, this week's top point scorer (no Sad Trombone for you!) -- and Turn Down For Watt puts those three teams into a tie for first place at 7-3.
Turn Down For Watt just edges The Reservoir Dogs for this week's Sad Trombone Award. TD4W scored 53 to Go big or go home's 110.



Blaupunkt came into Sunday night down by a solid margin, but Jordy Nelson scored 27 points to put it ahead. That led to our TWEET(s) OF THE WEEK!





The Mullets moved into a three-way tie for fourth place -- the final championship playoff spot -- with a win and a loss by Dolphins of Old, which hadn't lost since Week 3. (Remember the graph.) Big Kahuna Burger beat Dolphins 96-81, making it the the third team tied for fourth. All three teams are 6-4, one game out of first place.

The graph didn't change any for PerpetualMotionSquad (seven straight losses now) and Off Constantly was, once again, not beaten. Off Constantly won 105-76 with 19 points from Kelvin Benjamin and 11 from Greg Olsen, possibly the only two players on the Panthers offense worth a hoot.

And that's it for Week 10. There are only four more weeks left in the regular season and six teams are within one game of first place. Should be a fun finish.

This week's Thursday night game is between the Bills and the Dolphins. Teams with a bye in Week 11: Ravens, Cowboys, Jagwires and Jets. Set your lineups accordingly -- ANDY.

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs (sorry, Carson Palmer),

Corey
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Wednesday, November 5, 2014

[League Update] Week 9: Goodness, graphed

PerpetualMotionSquad and Dolphins of Old are both on six-game streaks, one good and one bad.

I made a visual aid.

Color coding is key.

Let's start with the good.

Dolphins of Old has played itself right into the final championship playoff spot with a six-game win streak after starting the season 0-3. Dolphins averaged 80.9 points in those opening three losses. Since then, the team has averaged 95.77 points, with a high of 125.64 in Week 8. Dolphins has scored less than 94 points just twice in the past six weeks.

In Week 9, Dolphins beat first-place Big Poppa 95-62.

PerpetualMotionSquad, on the other hand, has played itself out of any playoff spot with six straight losses. PMS, you'll remember, was the first team to earn the Twitter avatar this season after being the only undefeated team through Week 3.

In those first three wins, PMS averaged 97.4 points. Since then, the team has averaged 80.9 in six losses, with a high of 95.34 in Week 7. PMS lost to Big Kahuna Burger 91-72 in Week 9.

PMS is no stranger to losing streaks, though. It started 0-4 in 2013, won a game, then lost four more for a 1-8 start. In 2012, PMS started 0-5.

I thought this year might be different for PMS, but, well, it looks like I was wrong.

Inscoe Bowl IV was played in Week 9 and it was ... well ... anticlimactic. There was a bit of trash talk at the beginning, but I'll be honest: I think the Muscular Mathletes have resigned themselves to playing for a top pick in next year's draft.

It did get a little interesting when the Muscular Mathletes took the lead after Sunday night, getting 53 points from Ben Roethlisberger, Torrey Smith and Justin Tucker. But Andrew Luck did his thing Monday night and helped Jeff Fisher's Mullet win 111-85, despite having a wide receiver -- Eddie Royal -- score 0 points.

We didn't even watch the game Monday night. We watched "World War Z." Fast zombies are so much scarier than slow ones.

Hey Something: We need to talk. I know games start early in Hawaii. And I get that it's not your fault that Phillip Rivers scored -2 points (#ncstateshit).

But you started a wide receiver that was on a bye and lost 91-70 to Academic Probation. That's four straight losses for you and, more importantly, the second week in a row that you've left a bye-week player in your lineup. Losing happens (see: PMS), but apathy is unacceptable. You're on notice!

It's good to see that NFL.com is getting in on the joke.



Speaking of Off Constantly, he's this week's winner of the Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions.


Off Constantly has two defenses: the Dolphins and Chargers. They played each other in Week 9. Off Constantly couldn't have chosen more poorly. The starting Chargers scored -4 points. The benched Dolphins scored 22 (four sacks, three interceptions and a fumble). As you see from the score above, that more than covers the margin of defeat.

This week's top scorer was ... Oh, me! Yeah, Mullets! *Pats self on back.*

As much as Blaupunkt tried to warm up that Sad Trombone in a 69-63 loss to Go big or go home ...



Big Poppa could manage only 62 points and steals the award this week.


Oh, local TV news.

Finally, Turn Down For Watt turned in another strong performance in a 110-97 win over Cant Be That Hard. TD4W (7-2) is now tied for the league lead with Big Poppa.

By the way, have you seen this?



This week's Thursday night game is between the Browns and the Bengals.

Teams with a bye in Week 10: Texans, Vikings, Patriots, Chargers, Washington and Colts. That means I have no Andrew Luck this week. Who is his replacement? Mark Sanchez. Sigh.

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey
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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

[League Update] Week 8: Juicing

I apologize in advance for the brevity of this week's update. There's a lot going on this Wednesday night, with the World Series, the return of the Hornets (what a game!) and other life stuff.

Since my creativity is lacking tonight, I'm going to start by complaining about my loss this week.

Apparently I can't beat Off Constantly. It's a problem. I was all set to beat Off Constantly, with a solid lead heading into Sunday night. I scored more than 100 points, dadgummit. But Mark Ingram went ham and Off Constantly beat me 120-114.

Here's the crazy thing: Off Constantly's score was the fifth-best performance in Week 8. I don't think we've ever seen a week this high scoring in the Royale with Cheese league.

Turn Down for Watt had the highest score of the week with 148 in a win over Something (71). Big Poppa had 137 in a win over PerpetualMotionSquad (76).



Cant Be That Hard and Dolphins of Old scored 125.6 points each in wins over Blaupunkt (66) and Go big or go home (100), respectively.

Academic Probation scored 112 points in a win over Muscular Mathletes (68). That's eight teams -- more than half of the league -- that scored more than 100 points in Week 8. Random drug testing will begin Friday.

Blaupunkt is wishing it had some of those points, but instead is our Sad Trombone Award winner this week. I feel like Blaupunkt wins the award a lot. I don't know if it's true, or I just notice it more because its owner actually plays trombone. Either way:


This week's Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions goes to Big Kahuna Burger.



BKB had two players on its bench that could have helped the team win. Antonio Gates scored 17 points on the bench, 13 more than starting tight end Jordan Cameron. DeSean Jackson scored 13 on the bench, more than every wide receiver in the starting lineup. BKB lost 79-69 to the Reservoir Dogs.

I thought about giving the Jameis award to Something for starting a player on a bye week, but the team lost by more than 70 points, so I'm not sure that the tight end spot really mattered all that much.

Big Poppa still leads the league with a 7-1 record. Turn Down for Watt and Cant Be That Hard are tied at 6-2 and Dolphins of Old currently holds the final playoff spot at 5-3. UPDATE: I didn't notice it earlier, but Dolphins of Old is on a five-game win streak after losing the first three matchups. Big Poppa is also on a five-game streak. On the other hand, PerpetualMotionSquad has lost five straight since starting 3-0.

The next four teams in the standings are within a game of that final championship playoff spot with six weeks left in the regular season.

At the bottom of the table are Go big or go home, Something and Muscular Mathletes tied at 2-6. But a late run could get any of those teams into a playoff spot.

This week's Thursday night game is between the Panthers and Saints. I hope it's better than the last time those two played on Thursday night.

There are a bunch of teams with a bye in Week 9: Falcons, Bills, Bears, Lions, Packers and Titans.

UPDATE 2: It's Inscoe Bowl week! I can't let her win. I will hear so much talk if that 2-6 team beats me ...

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey
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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

[League Update] Week 7: New Avatar Alert!

It's time for a new Twitter avatar, boys and girls! This is my favorite type of League Update.

We're going to lead into the new avatar with the Week 7 TWEET(s) OF THE WEEK! 
Stupid game, indeed.

Pittsburgh Steelers kicker Shaun Suisham kicked three field goals and three extra points Monday for 12 points, giving Big Poppa a 68.32-68.1 win over The Reservoir Dogs. That has to be one of the worst ways to lose.

(In case you were wondering, the worst way to lose is by less than a point because of the negative rush yards incurred by a quarterback kneeling the ball at the end of the game. Brutal.)

I love so much about this photo.
Big Poppa's win and Cant Be That Hard's 94-75 loss to Dolphins of Old put Big Poppa alone in first place with a 6-1 record. That means this beautiful photo (right) will take over the Twitter avatar from PerpetualMotionSquad, who has in PerpetualMotion in the wrong direction since earning the avatar.

With Week 7 in the books, we are officially halfway through the Royale With Cheese regular season.

Cant Be That Hard and Turn Down for Watt are tied in second place at 5-2, a game behind Big Poppa. After that, we have three teams -- Jeff Fisher's Mullet, Dolphins of Old and Big Kahuna Burger -- tied for fourth place (the final championship playoff spot) at 4-3.

No team is more than two games out of a playoff spot, though, so a lot can still happen.

PerpetualMotionSquad has been moving the wrong direction since it took the avatar with a 3-0 record. The team has lost four weeks in a row, including a 112-95 loss to Go big or go home in Week 7. And then there was #Lynchgate. At 3-4, PMS is very much still in the hunt, but things need to turn around.

This week's highest point scorer was Go big or go home with 112 points.

The sad trombone goes to Off Constantly, which scored 50 points in a loss to Big Kahuna Burger. So, yes, Big Kahuna Burger beat Off Constantly ... 60-50.



And this week I'm debuting a new award, proposed by Big Poppa:
Absolutely! Though I'd like to call it the Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions.


The inaugural award goes to Off Constantly, which had not one but two quarterbacks on its bench that scored more points than starter Brian Hoyer. Hoyer had 4 points, Carson Palmer had 16 and Austin Davis (who?!?) had 13. Off Constantly, remember, only lost by 10. Oops.

Last week, it seemed like Blaupunkt was seriously considering starting Tony Romo over Peyton Manning.
It didn't happen, and it ultimately didn't matter -- Blaupunkt beat Something 80-56 -- but ... no. Why would you do that? Never doubt Peyton, especially when the backup is Tony "oh no" Romo.
Other scores from Week 7:

  • Turn Down for Watt beat Muscular Mathletes 99-87. I think the Mathletes had the only player in the Packers' offense -- TE Andrew Quarless -- that didn't go ham on the Panthers Sunday. 
  • Jeff Fisher's Mullet won a second straight game 97-80 over Academic Probation. The Seahawks D is somehow turning out to be my worst pick in the draft. 
This week's Thursday night game is between the Chargers and Broncos. Teams with a bye in Week 8: Giants and 49ers. 

Wishing you unlimited free crab legs, 

Corey
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Wednesday, October 15, 2014

[League Update] Week 6: Fried shrimp sandwich, dressed

I watched approximately 5 minutes and 43 seconds of NFL football this past weekend, so I don't have a lot to offer from the weekend.

I was in New Orleans, so you'll understand why I didn't prioritize football watching. But apparently some people do on vacation. While walking around the French Quarter on Sunday, I saw several people wearing NFL jerseys while obviously on vacation, including two wearing Chargers jerseys.

Listen: I love football and I love to watch football, but I'm not going to wear a jersey and find a bar to watch an early regular season game while on vacation in New Orleans. There are better things to do. Especially if the team you're watching is the Chargers.

I did see that the Panthers tied for the first time in franchise history. That happened the same season that the Royale with Cheese league had its first tie. Is this the sports gods punishing me for starting to pay more attention to soccer?

Let's jump right in here with TWEET OF THE WEEK!

Pocket tweets are the best, especially when they come from famous reporters with more than three million followers.

But the real TWEET OF THE WEEK:

So Cammy-Cam showed up, huh? I heard he ran some, so that's good. There were lots of points; also good. But I sure wish a team I cheered for would play defense. That would be super.

I don't really know why The Reservoir Dogs are complaining, though. They beat Go big or go home, which scored 48 points and had a player and its defense end up with negative points. That is worthy of a "proper" Sad Trombone award.



The week's top scorer was Cant Be That Hard, which reeled of a fourth consecutive victory to move into a tie for first place with Big Poppa.

Cant Be That Hard beat PerpetualMotionSquad 122-77, but had Victor Cruz go in the IR.

 1 hour ago
Based on the past two years, being a WR on my fantasy team during the middle of the season might end your career.

I think PMS, which earned the avatar earlier this season, is getting a little desperate after losing two straight games. The owner offered me a trade via text this morning that was so ridiculous I could only respond "hahahahaha." Also, PMS made eight roster moves earlier this week. Eight.

Big Poppa wins the "All About that Bass" Award for ...? I don't know, man. Oh! He BEAT OFF CONSTANTLY this week 116-71. That's something!

Look, I didn't watch any football and just wanted to put this video on the blog.


If y'all give me better ideas during the week, you won't have to deal with this stuff. My default is pop music. When I run out of ideas, I use pop music with no apparent meaning.

Other scores:

  • Academic Probation is on a two-game win streak after beating Turn Down For Watt 114-93. The Detroit Lions defense scored 21 points last week, which is just five less than the Seahawks D has scored all season. Sigh. 
  • Jeff Fisher's Mullet beat the eerily quiet Big Kahuna Burger 98-90. Sixty of the Mullets' points came on Thursday night, making up for some pretty bad roster decisions. 
  • The Muscular Mathletes are back in the win column after beating Blaupunkt 104-85. They are both tied with Something at 2-4, one game ahead of Go big at 1-5. 
  • Dolphins of Old beat Something 82-72 this week. Dolphins has now won three straight after starting the season 0-3. 
So I know I screwed up this part last week. I didn't realize until I watched the Thursday game kickoff while eating unlimited enchiladas at a Mexican restaurant. I'm going to try to do better this time.

This week's Thursday night game is between the Jets and Patriots. Teams on bye in Week 7: Eagles and Buccaneers.

Wishing you sure hands and no ties, 

Corey
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