[League Update] Week 3: Color Rush

Written while drinking water and watching the Bengals vs. Dolphins game.

Can you really call it a "Color Rush" jersey when it's all-white? Isn't white the absence of color? Or is that black? I'm a bit rusty on my color theory.

On another note, the Bengals' helmets have to be considered the coolest in the league, right? Hands down.

We're headed into Week 4, people, and this is when stuff starts getting real because, not only is every other player injured (or is that just my team?) but bye weeks start. Hooray! Time to find a 3rd-string running back on the waiver wire and hope he gets a junk-time touchdown.

But before we move into the new week, it's time to look back at the week that was -- Week 3.

These teams are still undefeated: 

- There's no "I" in team
- Blaupunkt
- Muscular Mathletes

Now let's take a look at the teams that are still winless after three games:

- Jeff Fisher's Mullet
- Cant Be That Hard

Apparently it can be that hard, for both of us.

But things are looking up for your commish!

The awards

That's right -- I didn't win the Sad Trombone Award this week! That illustrious honor goes to Academic Probation, who scored 57 points in a loss to Theon's Deflated Balls (71 points).




I'd like to point out that AP's score is just 8 points better than the 49 he made fun of me for in Week 1. What goes around comes around ...

The highest scorer this week was SugaLumps, which beat PerpetualMotionSquad 116-79. SUGALUMPS! Way to go! This is just its third win in 16 games. This is a big deal.

The Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions goes to Dolphins of Old, which just can't seem to start the right quarterback at the right time. In Week 2, Dolphins started Drew Brees and Ryan Tannehill had a bigger game. So last week Dolphins started Tannehill and Drew Brees was the better quarterback on the day by 7 points, which really hurt since Dolphins lost to Watt A Girl Wants by 1.1 points (94.96-93.86).

The Tolbert Report takes the Grumble Grumble Award this week for two reasons:

1) No love for Kelvin Benjamin. A week after scoring 22 points, the receiver was ignored by Cam Newton and scored 0 points. Seriously, Cam threw to him once. ONCE. Because that seems like a good plan. (Tolbert Report lost to There's no "I" in team 100-80.)

2) The real Tolbert. Mike Tolbert got all grumbly about the service he received at an auto shop this week and decided to teach the shop a lesson by paying his $3,900 car repair bill in coins. Don't mess with the Tolbert.

Other scores from Week 2

- Blaupunkt beat Jeff Fisher's Mullet 88-72. But I was kind of competitive! That's an improvement!
- Big Kahuna Burger beat Cant Be That Hard 102-90. Morgan is super down on his team this year. Will it get any better? For pure entertainment purposes, I hope not.
- Muscular Mathletes 84, Off Constantly 70. Which led to this Facebook comment:

"Muscular mathletes defense has outscored all but one of my players.... Gonna be awkward when Courtney has to answer what she did this weekend to her students..."

There's no TWEET/COMMENT OF THE WEEK because y'all didn't give me anything to work with. This is on y'all.

So let's wrap this bad boy up. The Thursday night game already happened, so I hope you were paying attention to your lineup. Teams on a bye in Week 4: Packers and Eagles.

And once again we'll finish the post with a lovely haiku from Eve:

"As week 3 fades into week 4" (Yeah, she titled this one. Like a pro.)

Won a game at last
This girl mourns for JJ's back
Oh fuck, bye weeks start

[League Update] Week 2: All of the injuries

I'm writing this on my cellphone while laying on an air mattress in my childhood bedroom. But this blog post will come out before the start of today's games. That's called dedication. I'm definitely giving 110 percent and playing through the whistle.

(OK, I found a desktop so the rest of this will be written there. Full disclosure. Actually, my sister just called me out.)

Injuries are super fun in a 14-team league, am I right? Super fun. Tony Romo broke himself before the season even started, Gronk hasn't played yet, neither has Jamaal Charles. The Patriots are breaking all of their quarterbacks, one-by-one. Then Adrian Peterson, the only shining light in my steaming pile of hot rotting garbage waste of a team, got put on injured reserve. That's just great.

And if you've taken a look at the waiver wire, there ain't a whole lot to get excited about.

Speaking of things to not get excited about, let's take a look at the teams that are still winless: 

- Jeff Fisher's Mullet (see above)
- Watt A Girl Wants (great team name, not so great team so far)
- Cant Be That Hard (Or can it?)
- SugaLumps (who texted me saying that he might actually do worse than his abysmally bad 2-11 record last season).

On the other end of the spectrum, we have the undefeateds: 

- There's no "I" in team (That's called teamwork)
- Blaupunkt (Video entertainment!)
- Muscular Mathletes (I don't know if she just feels bad for me, but I haven't heard much about this at home)
- The Tolbert Report (Who is somehow undefeated despite having the fourth-worst Points For in the league.)

Now on to the awards

The Sad Trombone this week goes to -- yeah, you guessed it -- Jeff Fisher's Mullet, which lost to There's no "I" in team 111-64. But hey, that's better than the 49 last week. Trending in the right direction ...




The highest scorer of the week was Theon's Deflated Balls, which beat Big Kahuna Burger 129-85.

The Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions goes to Academic Probation. Just check this out:

- AP started Austin Seferian-Jenkins (1.4 points) at TE over Julius Thomas (7.1) and lost to Off Constantly by 3.02 points.
- Then the Buccaneers released Serferian-Jenkins Friday.
- Why? Because he got arrested for a second DUI. Talk about poor decisions. Even Jameis Winston is all "SMH" right now.

And the Grumble Grumble Award goes to Cant Be That Hard, which lost to The Tolbert Report 79-73 despite the fact that the aforementioned Winston scored just 4.6 points.

Cant Be That Hard grumbled this to say on the FB page:

"There is a non-zero chance that I'm going to lose to a team quarterbacked by Jameis "4 Picks and a Fumble" Wilson..."

What's wrong with that sentence. Anyone? Anyone?

TEACHERED.

Other scores from Week 2: 

- Blaupunkt beat Dolphins of Old 96-75.
- PerpetualMotionSquad beat Watt a Girl Wants 109-95.
- Muscular Mathletes beat SugaLumps 91-71.

Now it's time for FACEBOOK COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

(That doesn't have quite the same ring as Tweet of the Week, does it?)

It goes to Academic Probation for this gem:

I'm angry because I can't beat Off Constantly - and no one wants my tight end.

Solid gold. That's gonna be hard to beat this season, y'all.

Kickoff is in less than two hours. Get those teams set and let's do it.

We'll end here with another haiku from Watt a Girl Wants:

All the quarterbacks
Are getting hurt left and right
Fingers crossed mine won't

[League Update] Week 1: Are we having fun yet?

I have a glass of bourbon in my hand and the TGIF playlist on Spotify. Let's do this.

The Sports Media Landscape is dominated by patriotic controversy, excessive celebrations and concussions, which can only mean one thing: FOOTBALL IS BACK, BABY!

We're only one week into the 2016 Royale With Cheese season and there's already so much to talk about. Namely, my team sucks, Katie's doesn't and we have a new award.

But first: In case you missed it, Katie started a Royale With Cheese secret group on Facebook this week, which has already become a hot mess -- and I love it. Everyone should have been invited to it by this point. If not, shoot me an email and I'll fix that. Much of the solid gold trash talk that makes this blog post comes from that Facebook group. You can definitely still use Twitter -- that's my go-to platform, and I'll still be updating and watching -- but Facebook seems to be better for conversations.

OK, I've wasted enough time -- Let's talk about how my team is a steaming hot pile of garbage waste. Yeah, I scored 49 points and lost to Dolphins of Old. Honestly, I'm surprised I did that well. That beer I damn near chugged before the draft started clearly got to my head because holy crap that team is a dumpster fire.

49 - Roger Staubach birth year-OR
49 - Joe Namath birth year-OR
49 - our commissioners total point production Week 1 @RoyaleWCheeseFB

— darinmorton (@darinmorton) September 13, 2016

But no, Darin and Katie, that's not the lowest score ever. That dishonor goes to Blaupunkt, which scored 29 points -- with a full lineup -- back in 2013. That performance earned first and only Sad Orchestra award. My performance is definitely deserving of more than just the Sad Trombone award. How about the Sad Brass Quintet?


I used to be good at this game. Heck, I won a league Ben started last year and barely paid attention. (Sorry, Shaggy, but it's true.)


But in the league I started, the league I spend so much time on, my team is about as useless as Tim Tebow in a baseball uniform.

Now let's move on to more interesting things.

I know I've mentioned Katie a lot in this post but it's because she might as well be running the whole league after scoring 147.58 points in a win over Off Constantly. Yes -- Katie beat Off Constantly last weekend. She deserves an award.

This week's Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions (yeah, we're bringing it back) goes to -- Theon's Deflated Balls (still don't get this reference).

Balls left Jordan Matthews (17 points) on the bench and started four wide receivers who accounted for fewer than 13 points combined. And Balls only lost to The Tolbert Report by 4 points.

Speaking of Tolbert Report -- it left Jameis Winston on the bench and he scored 15 points better than the starter, Dak Prescott, prompting this comment from Jeremy: "As a result of me leaving Winston on the bench I will be adding him back to my starting lineup and renaming my team, 'Jameis Take the Wheel.'" Yes, please.

And for the newest RWC Award: The Grumble Grumble Award, given to the team that loses by the fewest points.

This week's Grumble Grumble winner is Watt A Girl Wants, which lost to Muscular Mathletes by .56 points (89.46-88.9).

Other scores from Week 1:

- There's no 'I' in team 126.5, Can't be that hard 85.72. It can be that hard when you start the Rams' defense.

- Blaupunkt 99.86, PerpetualMotionSquad 76.26.

Beating PMS! @RoyaleWCheeseFB #thankyouautodraft pic.twitter.com/qKo4365CaA

— Matthew Parunak (@Mattpar14) September 13, 2016

- Academic Probation 105.2, SugaLumps 78.22. Poor Todd Gurley -- The Rams are more impotent than Jeff Fisher's Mullet.

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Now let's hear from the rest of the league:

- "I tossed around a football on Saturday for about 5 minutes and I did better than the Rams." - Can't Be That Hard.

- "Katie must be feeling the best of all of us this morning, she spent all weekend beating Off Constantly." - Off Constantly.

- "Fuck Pierre Garçon. That is all." - Theon's Deflated Balls.

---

The Jets and the Bills play Thursday, and no teams have a bye in Week 2 because that would be weird. Set your lineups accordingly.

Now let's end this excessively long post with an (almost) haiku* from Eve (Watt A Girl Wants):

Week one of football
Always gets me fired up
Then despair sets in.

*Eve argues that "fired" can be pronounced as two syllables, which would make this an actual haiku.