Wednesday, October 29, 2014

[League Update] Week 8: Juicing

I apologize in advance for the brevity of this week's update. There's a lot going on this Wednesday night, with the World Series, the return of the Hornets (what a game!) and other life stuff.

Since my creativity is lacking tonight, I'm going to start by complaining about my loss this week.

Apparently I can't beat Off Constantly. It's a problem. I was all set to beat Off Constantly, with a solid lead heading into Sunday night. I scored more than 100 points, dadgummit. But Mark Ingram went ham and Off Constantly beat me 120-114.

Here's the crazy thing: Off Constantly's score was the fifth-best performance in Week 8. I don't think we've ever seen a week this high scoring in the Royale with Cheese league.

Turn Down for Watt had the highest score of the week with 148 in a win over Something (71). Big Poppa had 137 in a win over PerpetualMotionSquad (76).



Cant Be That Hard and Dolphins of Old scored 125.6 points each in wins over Blaupunkt (66) and Go big or go home (100), respectively.

Academic Probation scored 112 points in a win over Muscular Mathletes (68). That's eight teams -- more than half of the league -- that scored more than 100 points in Week 8. Random drug testing will begin Friday.

Blaupunkt is wishing it had some of those points, but instead is our Sad Trombone Award winner this week. I feel like Blaupunkt wins the award a lot. I don't know if it's true, or I just notice it more because its owner actually plays trombone. Either way:


This week's Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions goes to Big Kahuna Burger.



BKB had two players on its bench that could have helped the team win. Antonio Gates scored 17 points on the bench, 13 more than starting tight end Jordan Cameron. DeSean Jackson scored 13 on the bench, more than every wide receiver in the starting lineup. BKB lost 79-69 to the Reservoir Dogs.

I thought about giving the Jameis award to Something for starting a player on a bye week, but the team lost by more than 70 points, so I'm not sure that the tight end spot really mattered all that much.

Big Poppa still leads the league with a 7-1 record. Turn Down for Watt and Cant Be That Hard are tied at 6-2 and Dolphins of Old currently holds the final playoff spot at 5-3. UPDATE: I didn't notice it earlier, but Dolphins of Old is on a five-game win streak after losing the first three matchups. Big Poppa is also on a five-game streak. On the other hand, PerpetualMotionSquad has lost five straight since starting 3-0.

The next four teams in the standings are within a game of that final championship playoff spot with six weeks left in the regular season.

At the bottom of the table are Go big or go home, Something and Muscular Mathletes tied at 2-6. But a late run could get any of those teams into a playoff spot.

This week's Thursday night game is between the Panthers and Saints. I hope it's better than the last time those two played on Thursday night.

There are a bunch of teams with a bye in Week 9: Falcons, Bills, Bears, Lions, Packers and Titans.

UPDATE 2: It's Inscoe Bowl week! I can't let her win. I will hear so much talk if that 2-6 team beats me ...

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey
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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

[League Update] Week 7: New Avatar Alert!

It's time for a new Twitter avatar, boys and girls! This is my favorite type of League Update.

We're going to lead into the new avatar with the Week 7 TWEET(s) OF THE WEEK! 
Stupid game, indeed.

Pittsburgh Steelers kicker Shaun Suisham kicked three field goals and three extra points Monday for 12 points, giving Big Poppa a 68.32-68.1 win over The Reservoir Dogs. That has to be one of the worst ways to lose.

(In case you were wondering, the worst way to lose is by less than a point because of the negative rush yards incurred by a quarterback kneeling the ball at the end of the game. Brutal.)

I love so much about this photo.
Big Poppa's win and Cant Be That Hard's 94-75 loss to Dolphins of Old put Big Poppa alone in first place with a 6-1 record. That means this beautiful photo (right) will take over the Twitter avatar from PerpetualMotionSquad, who has in PerpetualMotion in the wrong direction since earning the avatar.

With Week 7 in the books, we are officially halfway through the Royale With Cheese regular season.

Cant Be That Hard and Turn Down for Watt are tied in second place at 5-2, a game behind Big Poppa. After that, we have three teams -- Jeff Fisher's Mullet, Dolphins of Old and Big Kahuna Burger -- tied for fourth place (the final championship playoff spot) at 4-3.

No team is more than two games out of a playoff spot, though, so a lot can still happen.

PerpetualMotionSquad has been moving the wrong direction since it took the avatar with a 3-0 record. The team has lost four weeks in a row, including a 112-95 loss to Go big or go home in Week 7. And then there was #Lynchgate. At 3-4, PMS is very much still in the hunt, but things need to turn around.

This week's highest point scorer was Go big or go home with 112 points.

The sad trombone goes to Off Constantly, which scored 50 points in a loss to Big Kahuna Burger. So, yes, Big Kahuna Burger beat Off Constantly ... 60-50.



And this week I'm debuting a new award, proposed by Big Poppa:
Absolutely! Though I'd like to call it the Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions.


The inaugural award goes to Off Constantly, which had not one but two quarterbacks on its bench that scored more points than starter Brian Hoyer. Hoyer had 4 points, Carson Palmer had 16 and Austin Davis (who?!?) had 13. Off Constantly, remember, only lost by 10. Oops.

Last week, it seemed like Blaupunkt was seriously considering starting Tony Romo over Peyton Manning.
It didn't happen, and it ultimately didn't matter -- Blaupunkt beat Something 80-56 -- but ... no. Why would you do that? Never doubt Peyton, especially when the backup is Tony "oh no" Romo.
Other scores from Week 7:

  • Turn Down for Watt beat Muscular Mathletes 99-87. I think the Mathletes had the only player in the Packers' offense -- TE Andrew Quarless -- that didn't go ham on the Panthers Sunday. 
  • Jeff Fisher's Mullet won a second straight game 97-80 over Academic Probation. The Seahawks D is somehow turning out to be my worst pick in the draft. 
This week's Thursday night game is between the Chargers and Broncos. Teams with a bye in Week 8: Giants and 49ers. 

Wishing you unlimited free crab legs, 

Corey
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Wednesday, October 15, 2014

[League Update] Week 6: Fried shrimp sandwich, dressed

I watched approximately 5 minutes and 43 seconds of NFL football this past weekend, so I don't have a lot to offer from the weekend.

I was in New Orleans, so you'll understand why I didn't prioritize football watching. But apparently some people do on vacation. While walking around the French Quarter on Sunday, I saw several people wearing NFL jerseys while obviously on vacation, including two wearing Chargers jerseys.

Listen: I love football and I love to watch football, but I'm not going to wear a jersey and find a bar to watch an early regular season game while on vacation in New Orleans. There are better things to do. Especially if the team you're watching is the Chargers.

I did see that the Panthers tied for the first time in franchise history. That happened the same season that the Royale with Cheese league had its first tie. Is this the sports gods punishing me for starting to pay more attention to soccer?

Let's jump right in here with TWEET OF THE WEEK!

Pocket tweets are the best, especially when they come from famous reporters with more than three million followers.

But the real TWEET OF THE WEEK:

So Cammy-Cam showed up, huh? I heard he ran some, so that's good. There were lots of points; also good. But I sure wish a team I cheered for would play defense. That would be super.

I don't really know why The Reservoir Dogs are complaining, though. They beat Go big or go home, which scored 48 points and had a player and its defense end up with negative points. That is worthy of a "proper" Sad Trombone award.



The week's top scorer was Cant Be That Hard, which reeled of a fourth consecutive victory to move into a tie for first place with Big Poppa.

Cant Be That Hard beat PerpetualMotionSquad 122-77, but had Victor Cruz go in the IR.

 1 hour ago
Based on the past two years, being a WR on my fantasy team during the middle of the season might end your career.

I think PMS, which earned the avatar earlier this season, is getting a little desperate after losing two straight games. The owner offered me a trade via text this morning that was so ridiculous I could only respond "hahahahaha." Also, PMS made eight roster moves earlier this week. Eight.

Big Poppa wins the "All About that Bass" Award for ...? I don't know, man. Oh! He BEAT OFF CONSTANTLY this week 116-71. That's something!

Look, I didn't watch any football and just wanted to put this video on the blog.


If y'all give me better ideas during the week, you won't have to deal with this stuff. My default is pop music. When I run out of ideas, I use pop music with no apparent meaning.

Other scores:

  • Academic Probation is on a two-game win streak after beating Turn Down For Watt 114-93. The Detroit Lions defense scored 21 points last week, which is just five less than the Seahawks D has scored all season. Sigh. 
  • Jeff Fisher's Mullet beat the eerily quiet Big Kahuna Burger 98-90. Sixty of the Mullets' points came on Thursday night, making up for some pretty bad roster decisions. 
  • The Muscular Mathletes are back in the win column after beating Blaupunkt 104-85. They are both tied with Something at 2-4, one game ahead of Go big at 1-5. 
  • Dolphins of Old beat Something 82-72 this week. Dolphins has now won three straight after starting the season 0-3. 
So I know I screwed up this part last week. I didn't realize until I watched the Thursday game kickoff while eating unlimited enchiladas at a Mexican restaurant. I'm going to try to do better this time.

This week's Thursday night game is between the Jets and Patriots. Teams on bye in Week 7: Eagles and Buccaneers.

Wishing you sure hands and no ties, 

Corey
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Wednesday, October 8, 2014

[League Update] Week 5: Sabotage?

For the second week in a row, I'm going to start the blog post with TWEET(s) OF THE WEEK, not because they were especially funny or entertaining, but because they had a serious impact on the past week.



Here's the context: Something had Marshawn Lynch on his bench on Sunday. Big Poppa called him out for it, but Lynch didn't play until Monday, so Something had plenty of time to tweak his lineup. Something played PerpetualMotionSquad this past weekend and -- because Lynch was in the starting lineup -- Something won by less than a point.

There has always been an open invitation for league owners to send me stuff to post on the blog. PMS' owner, Steven, took me up on that this week. Here's the email he sent me Wednesday night:

If I could just say a few words ... (I’d probably be a better public speaker). 
Happy Week 5 everyone! Although “happy” may only apply to those teams with a W this week. First, I’d like to thank our commissioner for jinxing me prior to Week 4 (while I was undefeated) – my offensive hiccup gave the Muscular Mathletes their first Win of the season (congrats). Some might question why I started Nick Foles over Tom Brady – to that I respond ... Have you seen the Patriots play this year? (to which you should undoubtedly reply: “Have you seen the Eagles?”) 
Anyway, I digress… back to Week 5. Special shout out to the Twitter folks that pointed out a weakness in Something’s offense on Sunday night, which prompted his RB change from Roy Helu to Marshawn Lynch, costing me the Win (by less than 0.5 points!!!)  In my opinion, this is no different than a last place team laying down at the end of the season and allowing opponents to pick up easy Wins/Points – or a last place team trading away top players to give others an advantage.  Something, I’m putting an asterisk by this Win ... Buy me a beer to take it off. 
I believe this was just ill-timed trash talk, and was not done out of malice - but considering this year we have money on the line, let’s save our trash talk for Tuesday – or at the very least, after the Monday games begin. 
Good luck everyone in Week 6 – I plan on taking “Can’t Be That Hard” to school this week.

 So there it is. Something, Big Poppa, feel free to respond in the comments or any other way you want.

On to the rest of the week's news.

Thank goodness the Panthers won. The Tar Heels are just ... ugh, the Panthers had lost two straight ugly games and Jeff Fisher's Mullet has managed to do just enough to keep losing. For the second week in a row, the Mullets scored 90 points and still lost to Turn Down for Watt by 13 points. What made it worse was knowing that Kirk Cousins was the reason the Mullets lost. Kirk. Cousins.
Thanks, super positive high school football player. I wish my postgame interviews were like that.

Monday night was even worse for Go big or go home. Remember those three Russell Wilson to Percy Harvin touchdown passes that were negated by penalties? Yeah, Go big had both in the starting lineup. Go big lost 103-83 to Off Constantly, which, once again, was not beaten.
Week 5's top scorer was Academic Probation, which scored a whopping 138 points to beat Blaupunkt, which had 99. It was the first time Academic Probation scored more than 100 points and it was also the team's first win of the season. For that, Academic Probation wins this week's "The Climb" award.



Color me inspired.

This week's Sad Trombone goes to The Reservoir Dogs, which scored 62 points in a loss to Cant Be That Hard and apparently needs to work on the whole "setting a good lineup" thing.



Who are these people that torture pets with the sad trombone sound effect?!?

Other scores from the week that was:

  • Big Poppa beat Big Kahuna Burger 91-80 in this year's Williams Bowl. I have to say, there was a surprising lack of trash talk about this one. This is usually a fun matchup to watch.
  • Dolphins of Old beat the Muscular Mathletes 98-66. The Mathletes continue their campaign for next year's top pick in the draft. I might have to be on the lookout for tanking. 
A look at the Royale with Cheese league table shows a three-way tie at the top between TD4W, Cant Be That Hard and Big Poppa. Will we have a new Twitter avatar soon? 

At the bottom, we have the Mathletes, Go big or go home and Academic Probation with one win each. 

This week's Thursday night game is between the Jets and the Patriots. Set your lineups accordingly. 

Teams with a bye this week: Chiefs and Saints.

Wishing you better health than the Panthers' backfield, 

Corey
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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

[League Update] Week 4: The joke!

I couldn't figure out a better way to open this week's update (other than rant about football like last week), so let's just crank this thing up with our TWEET(s) OF THE WEEK:

 Sep 29
Thanks to a rousing performance by DeMarco Murray, and several bottles of Viagra, Can't Be That Hard has risen to the 1/2

 Sep 29
occasion and become the first team to beat Off Constantly 2/2



Finally! Finally we get to use the joke. It took four weeks, but it happened. Off Constantly's Twitter-less owner also chimed in via email:

How funny that the one team with a name that cant beat off constantly is the one to do it for the first time.

It wasn't even close. Cant Be That Hard led all the way in a 109-67 victory, moving him the team into a tie for first place.

How is there a tie for first place, you ask? Because PerpetualMotionSquad finally snapped back to reality and lost its first game of the season 85-78. The fact that PMS lost to a winless team -- the Muscular Mathletes, which started an inactive player and got negative points from the defense -- makes it even better.

The Mathletes' owner would like to personally thank Aaron Rodgers (28.88) for finally showing up. PMS' two quarterbacks -- Nick Foles and Tom Brady -- combined to score less than 10 points. Ouch.

There are now five teams tied at the top of the league table with 3-1 records: PMS, CBTH, Turn Down for Watt (which has been very quiet so far this year), Big Poppa and Big Kahuna Burger.

Academic Probation is the only team still winless. It's going to get better. You just have to believe.

This week's highest point scorer was TD4W, which dominated Blaupunkt 121-82.


I love the internet.

Go big or go home went big this week and will walk away with two awards. First, he's the Sad Trombone of the week after scoring a league-low 63 points in a loss to Big Kahuna Burger, which had 86.


It could have been different though.
Go big had Jamaal Charles on its bench. Jamaal Charles scored 28.8 points. Go big's starting running back scored 2.3. You do the math.

That lineup decision earns Go big the "Shake it Off" Award this week.



Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate, man.

Speaking of poor decisions, your faithful commissioner dropped Larry Donnell from Jeff Fisher's Mullet and added the Washington defense to replace the Seahawks on a bye week. How did that work out? Donnell scored three touchdowns and had 23 points against the Washington defense, which finished with -1.

You're welcome, Big Poppa.

Other scores from around the league:


  • Rob Gronkowski scored 9 points Monday night to help Dolphins of Old edge Academic Probation 78-75. Dolphins also had the Patriots D, which scored -2 points.
  • Something -- which started a kicker on his bye week -- beat The Reservoir Dogs -- which started the Panthers colander of a defense -- 77-70.
The Thursday night game this week is between the Vikings and the Packers. Only two teams are on a bye week in Week 5, thank goodness: the Dolphins and Raiders. 

Wishing for better defense and less injury-prone running backs, 

Corey
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