Wednesday, September 24, 2014

[Week 3] Football wasn't very nice last weekend

Football and I are not friends right now. It started with UNC's pathetic showing against East Carolina Saturday afternoon. It ended with the Panthers' pathetic showing against Pittsburgh Sunday night. And somewhere in the middle, Peyton Manning also ruined my weekend.

Peyton, the Omaha of my Nebraska last year, pretty much single-handedly ruined my perfect fantasy football record Sunday (the Panthers didn't help, but I don't want to talk about it).

The Mullets had the Seahawks defense. Blaupunkt had Peyton. For 58 minutes, the Seahawks were killing it. After they picked off Peyton with about 4 minutes to play, the Mullets had a 17 point lead. Then Peyton just did his Peyton thing.




That has to be TWEET OF THE WEEK, right? Matt quoted Pitbull! 

Eighty-yard drive for a touchdown, and a two-point conversion pass just to rub it in. It was a 1-point game heading into the Panthers game and I lost 83-79. Like I said: Football and I are not friends.

But enough about me. There are more important things this week, like the first Twitter avatar change of the season!

Let's take a trip back, shall we?

Two years ago, PerpetualMotionSquad started 0-5 in its first season in the league, mostly because the owner had no idea how to play fantasy football. Last year, PMS started 0-4.

But oh how things have changed! PMS is the last undefeated and untied (friggin' ties) team in the 2014 season, which means this beautiful mug is our new avatar photo:



PMS beat Academic Probation 104-79 this past week, and was the only team to break 100. There's no way this continues right? Like, it can't continue to be smart to start Nick Foles over Tom Brady, right? I mean, this is the team that drafted Adrian Peterson. This is just some fluke and PMS is going to lose like 6 straight games in the middle of the season, right? Right?!?


EDIT: When asked for comment, PMS sent me this:


The Muscular Mathletes earn their second Super Sad Trombone of the young season after putting up 43 points in a loss to The Reservoir Dogs, which scored just 57. The Mathletes are 0-3. This is the same team that only lost three games in the regular season last year on the way to winning the regular season championship. Tables=turned.



The owner of the Mathletes told me that she's now playing for a high draft pick. Convenient.

Hey, Off Constantly. We need to talk. You see, if you're going to have a ready-made joke of a name, you have to actually, you know, get beaten. Right now, you're the only other undefeated* team in the league after beating Aloha Something 98-55. I'm proud of you and all, but come on man. Lose one for the blog.

Something, Dolphins of Old, the Mathletes and Academic Probation are the only winless teams in the league. If the futility keeps up, it might be time to bust out some numbers in the next blog post.

This week's So You Had A Bad Day award goes to Dolphins of Old, which had a huge lead over Turn Down for Watt coming into Sunday night, but watched it slip away as Antonio Brown (21 points, ugh), Matt Forte (7.6) and Martellus Bennett (17.4) did work in the last two games of the week. TD4W won 91-88.



Other scores from Week 3:

  • Go big or go home got its first win 94-60 over previously unbeaten Big Poppa, but the most interesting part of that matchup is that the Buccaneers defense scored 11 points despite giving up 50 points to Atlanta. How, you ask? T.J. Yates, of course. 
  • Can't Be That Hard easily beat Big Kahuna Burger 90-57. 
This week's Thursday night game is between the Giants and Washington. Get the players for those teams where you want them before kick Thursday. 

This is the first week of the season with teams on bye weeks, so check your lineups. Bye week teams are: Cardinals, Bengals, Browns, Broncos, Seahawks and Rams.

Wishing you luck with the lineup shuffle, 

Corey
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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

[League Update] Week 2: Let's try to remember the good times

The 2014 season -- and Week 2 especially -- has been as much about who is not playing as who is. There's Baltimore's Ray Rice (seventh round pick), Minnesota's Adrian Peterson (No. 3 overall), and Greg Hardy on Carolina's defense (second D picked). And just a couple of hours before I wrote this post, Arizona's Jonathan Dwyer joined the list.

Add to that group players like Robert Griffin III (second round) and A.J. Green (second round) going down with injuries, and the various players sitting out for drug suspensions in the early part of the season.
It's been a hard season to enjoy football. But, at least for a few minutes, let's try.

Let's talk about the players that did come to play in Week 2: Arian Foster and DeMarco Murray with 21 points, Giovani "No he's not! Yes he is!" Bernard with 22 (chills ... I still get chills), the Patriots D with 24, Brandon Marshall with 22, Antonio Gates with 27, Aaron Rodgers with 28 and Darren Sproles with 23.

And let's talk about the teams who are still undefeated through Week 2: Big Kahuna Burger, Big Poppa, PMS, Jeff Fisher's Mullet and Off Constantly*.

Let's also take a minute to chuckle at the winless teams: Something, Dolphins of Old, Go big or go home, the Muscular Mathletes and Academic Probation*.

*friggin' ties ...

This week's Sad, Sad Trombone goes to Go big or go home (SPOILER: He goes home) with 54 points. The Mullets are thankful.



Off Constantly had the week's highest score with 111, thanks to big games from Sproles and Jimmy Graham and despite the Jaguars defense losing a point. Off Constantly beat the Mathletes 111-70. There's a joke there ... hold on ...

 6m
Don't worry, the Mathletes owner knows she doesn't need to beat Off Constantly ...

This week's "Dark Horse" Award goes to Blaupunkt, which managed to beat Dolphins of Old 93-79 despite the Pittsburgh defense and Marques Colston scoring 0 points.

This is what happens when you don't give me better ideas for award names. I pick Katy Perry songs.

Other scores from the week:

  • Gio led Big Poppa to a 93-85 win over Cant Be That Hard.

 Sep 15
No matter how I set my lineup, I could not have won. Also, nice to see Chris Johnson disappointing me continue this season.

  • PMS used Nick Foles Monday night to turn down TD4W 85-79. 
  • Big Kahuna Burger, led by Marshall and Gates, easily beat "Hawaii Five-0" Something 104-83.

 Sep 15
Bowing down to Antonio Gates and Brandon Marshall who got me 3 TDs each last night

  • The Reservoir Dogs used 20 points from Alfred Morris and a nice debut from Cam Newton to beat Academic Probation 100-94.

No Tweet of the Week this time. I received a lot of solid role players, but no superstars.

This week's Thursday game is between Tampa Bay and Atlanta. Set players for those teams by kickoff Thursday and get the rest of your team ready for Sunday. No byes once again this week. I believe those start next week.

Wishing you happy football watching,

Corey
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Wednesday, September 10, 2014

[League Update] Week 1: What do you think this is, soccer?!?

One of my favorite writers, Tommy Tomlinson, wrote this on Monday:

Football is my favorite sport. I’d like to be able to watch it and still sleep at night. It’s getting hard. 

I feel the same way. That's all I'm going to write about what happened this week. On with the update.




***
 Sep 6
Agonizing over which mediocre defense to start tomorrow. It must be that time of year again.

It is that time of year again, and what a first week it was. The Panthers won, the Patriots lost, the Browns were bad then good then bad again, and Tony Romo and Eli Manning combined for approximately 3,542 interceptions.


 Sep 8
How about ? Makes up for the fact that Cruz has Eli "throwing passes to him". And I use that phrase loosely.

We also made Royale with Cheese history with a game ending in a tie for the first time since the league started in 2011.


(I don't know if that math is right, but I like it.)

A TIE?!? What do you guys think this is, soccer?!? (Just kidding. I love soccer. U-S-A! U-S-A!) But seriously, not only is a tie the lamest way for a sporting event to end ever, but it keeps me from making Off Constantly jokes in the first league update of the season! Humph.

OK, maybe time for one joke. It's our TWEET OF THE WEEK:

 6h
Given that Academic Probation is stuck kissing his sister, it's not a shock he can't bring himself to beat Off Constantly.

Now that's what I call a #hotsportstake.

Other results from the week:


  • Cant Be That Hard ran away with a 131-85 win over Go big or go home. Megatron with 28 points! 
  • PerpetualMotionSquad beat Blaupunkt 101-64 and also gets this week's "Improbably good decision" award (catchy title, huh?) for starting Nick Foles over Tom Brady. Foles had 14 points, Brady 10. Luck? Skill? Who knows. 
  • Big Poppa held off a late charge by Something to win 98-95. 
  • Turn Down for Watt (yessss ...) never trailed and beat The Reservoir Dogs 113-68, bringing us to our worst lineup decision of the week. The Dogs started Cam Newton. Oops. Not that it mattered much, though. The backup QB was Eli Manning.

  • Big Kahuna Burger beat the Muscular Mathletes 99-63. Wanna know how often I heard about Roethlisberger and the Titans D being on the Mathletes bench Sunday? Lots of times.

    Also: Mathletes won the first Sad Trombone of the 2014 season.



A minute-long video of cats reacting to the sad trombone? Shut down the internet. Everyone can go home. 


  • And, finally, a nice second half performance by Andrew Luck Sunday night helped Jeff Fisher's Mullet get past Dolphins of Old 80-75. Yes, I started a Twitter account for my team. Make fun of me all you want, but I wanted to have a place to talk trash without angering others and I wanted it separate from the league's account. So please give me a follow so I can stop retweeting myself.

This week's most optimistic roster move honor goes to Cant Be That Hard for this:



I don't know if he'll actually get to play again this year, but he can sell you a car. Or if you go to the Fresh Market in Chapel Hill you may be able to trade cars with him.

I decided I'm not going to do the "You Got Lucky" award this year since that song is so 2013. So suggestions for a new, equally ridiculous award are welcome. Throw them in the comments or on the Tweeter.

This week's Thursday night game is the Steelers vs. the Ravens, so get players on those teams set by tomorrow night and everyone else by Sunday. No teams have byes this week, so you don't have to worry about that.

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey
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