Thursday, November 27, 2014

[League Update] Week 12: What are you thankful for?

This Thanksgiving morning, what are you thankful for? Family? Friends? Turkey? Bourbon?

Or maybe you're thankful that a player that's been hurt for a couple of weeks is finally likely to play this week (Arian Foster). Or that there are three games on Thanksgiving, so you can avoid family by staring at the TV and then at your phone and then the TV and then the phone ...

PerpetualMotionSquad had better be thankful for this:


Odell Friggin' Beckham Jr. He caught that pass and another touchdown pass, totalling 146 yards and scoring 26.4 points. GTFOH.

PerpetualMotionSquad would get its first win since Week 3 against Jeff Fisher's Mullet. It only makes sense. Perpetual Motion Squad won 97-73. If I was at home I would edit the graph. There would be a little orange tail flicking up at the end.

Now let's jump right into our first award, since it involves the same Giants and Cowboys game.



This may not have been the worst decision of the week, but it was the most audacious one, and it didn't really work out.


 Nov 23
I can almost taste the regret that will exist by the end of the day.


So yeah, Blaupunkt started Tony Romo over Peyton Manning. Why? I have no idea. I can't even construct a thought process that would lead someone to make that decision.

To be fair to Romo, he did score 24 points. But Peyton scored 28. Now, that may not have been enough of a difference to account for Off Constantly's 80-64 win, but still. He started Romo over Peyton.


Turn Down for Watt tried to inject some drama into what ended up being an easy win. The paranoia really cranks up once you get to the final few weeks of the season.


 Nov 23
girl, why you be stressin? You already won!


 Nov 23
my winning streak is going to officially be over

Yeah so TD4W won 109-71 to stay in first place at 9-3, one game in front of three teams tied at 8-4: Cant Be That Hard, Dolphins of Old and Big Poppa. Right now, those are your championship playoff teams.

Big Kahuna's three-game win streak came to an end, putting it in a tie with the Mullets for fifth at 7-5. Off Constantly is sitting in seventh at 6-5-1.

This week's top scorer was Dolphins of Old, which beat The Reservoir Dogs 148-118. There's nothing worse than scoring nearly 120 points and losing. Dolphins had a quarterback (Brees), running back (Anderson), wide receiver (Bryant) and kicker (Parkey!!) who all scored more than 20 points in the match.

The Muscular Mathletes are, once again, the Sad Trombone this week. The Mathletes lost to Go big or go home 89-62. I just asked her how many times she's been the Sad Trombone: "A lot." (Only three times, actually.)


The Mathletes are now tied for last place with Something at 3-9. Go big or go home moves to 5-7 and 10th place.

Something set a lineup for the first time in weeks (Hooray!) ... and lost 115-64 to Cant Be That Hard. That has to be karma or something.

And finally Big Poppa beat Academic Probation 81-69. It was a big win for Big Poppa to stay in second place in the league.

There are only two weeks left in the regular season. Can you believe it? There are three games on Thanksgiving so be sure to get those lineups set before eating yourself into a food coma.

The Bears and Lions kick things off at 12:30 p.m. EST (7:30 a.m. HST). The Eagles and Cowboys play at 4:30 (11:30 HST) and the Seahawks and 49ers play at 8:30 (3:30 HST).

There are no teams on bye this week! I'm pretty sure that's over for the season, so no excuses in the final few weeks.

Wishing you a bunch of turkey and mac and cheese,

Corey
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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

[League Update] Week 11: Avatar=Kiss of death?

In the 2014 Royale with Cheese season, the Twitter avatar has been the kiss of death. Will that change with the third avatar?

PerpetualMotionSquad got it first after starting out 3-0. Since then, PMS has lost eight straight weeks and is tied for last place in the league. I'm pretty sure it's off the graph now.

Big Poppa took over the avatar at 6-1 after Week 7. Since then, the team has lost three straight to move into a tie for second place.

So congratulations -- I guess? -- to the new first-place team: Turn Down For Watt.


TD4W is in first place with a 7-3 record after beating Big Poppa 92-78.

Five teams are tied for second at 6-4, two more than can make the championship playoff. It's worth noting here that the tie breaker is Points For. The odd teams out right now are Jeff Fisher's Mullet and Big Kahuna Burger, but there are still three weeks left in the regular season.

The Mullets took advantage of a Something team that failed to set a fully active lineup for the fourth straight week and won 66-61. (The owner promised me the streak would end this week.) But even with two players on a bye week, Marshawn Lynch and a surprisingly effective Nate Washington got Something within five points.

 Nov 17
I only beat by 5 points. If he gave two craps about his team he'd be a formidable player.

Something nearly beat two Inscoes in back-to-back weeks without a full lineup. Instead it's tied in last place at 3-8.

The upset of the week goes to another team that is tied for last place in the league. The Muscular Mathletes beat Cant Be That Hard 76-66. Cant Be That Hard came into the week tied for first place with TD4W and Big Poppa.

 Nov 16
That was just ugly. I can't wait for BYE weeks to be over.

After last week's loss to Something, the Mathletes' owner considered giving up on the season. She decided to set a lineup just so Cant Be That Hard would have to earn the win. Now I think she's hooked again.

Big Kahuna Burger won for a third straight week, beating Blaupunkt 119-82. Thirty-two of those BKB points came from a Tampa Bay wide receiver. That is not a typo. Thirty more came from the Packers defense. Add in Brandon Marshall's 21 and that's already more points than Blaupunkt's whole team scored.
The week's highest point scorer was Academic Probation, which beat Go big or go home 123-98. Eddie Lacy, Jay Cutler, Alshon Jeffery and Le'Veon Bell all had big weeks for AP and, at 5-5-1, the team is still right in the championship race.

Also at 5-5-1 is Off Constantly. Dolphins of Old beat Off Constantly 84-76 this week. It's about time someone beat Off Constantly! Also, Off Constantly finally joined Twitter. Make sure to follow him and talk trash.
This week's Sad Trombone Award goes to PerpetualMotionSquad, whose season has been one long, slow, sad glissando.


PMS lost to The Reservoir Dogs 78-56. At 6-5, the Dogs are also right in the championship race.

Since I didn't notice any egregious errors, the Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions will take the week off and likely return next week. I could give it to Something, but I don't want to encourage that behavior.

This week's Thursday night game is between the Chiefs and Raiders, but there's a much more important game going on at the same time: Carolina vs. Duke football.

Teams with a bye in Week 12: Steelers and Panthers (thank goodness).

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey
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Thursday, November 13, 2014

[League Update] Week 10: The Panthers are a dumpster fire

Fantasy football is the only thing helping me get through this football season.

I watched Monday night's Panthers vs. Eagles game with Cant Be That Hard's owner. The Panthers turned the ball over twice in the first three plays. Later, Cam Newton threw a hitch pass so bad that the Eagles cornerback honestly looked surprised to have the ball hit him in the stomach, but not so surprised that he couldn't return it for a touchdown.

The game was laughably bad. Something good did come from it, though: Wins for Cant Be That Hard and Jeff Fisher's Mullet.

Cant Be That Hard entered Monday night down a few points to Academic Probation. CBTH had the Eagles defense and tight end Zach Ertz. He had 1.70 points. The Eagles defense racked up 31 with 3 interceptions, two fumbles, a couple touchdowns and nine sacks. Nine.



 19 minutes ago
For this week's update, please note that the Eagles' D, this year's Mr. Irrelevant, won my game AND is the #1 D by far
The Mullets came into Monday night down one point to The Reservoir Dogs. Mullets had Mark Sanchez filling in for a bye-week Andrew Luck. The Dogs had Cam and the Panthers defense.
Cam scored 12 points, most of that coming on junk touchdowns late in the fourth quarter. Why he was still in the game at that point is beyond me. The Panthers defense had -3. Sanchez scored 21. The Mullets won by 12.

Something good from something bad.

I may be biased, but the result between the Muscular Mathletes and Something may be the most ridiculous one of the season. For the third straight week, Something started at least one player on bye, despite having that brought to his attention earlier in the week.

The computers at work block the website, he said. He worked a lot this week, he said. The app wouldn't let him pick up a quarterback, he said. Even if that last part were true, it doesn't explain the empty R/W/T spot (there was an active running back and wide receiver on the bench).

But because Marshawn Lynch -- a player that Something had to be told to start earlier in the season -- had a career game with 140 yards and 4 touchdowns, Something won 63-61. Lynch scored 40 of those points.

Something can't be bothered to set a full lineup each week, but because he has one of the best players in the league, he wins. It just feels wrong.


Having said all that, one roster change would have helped the Mathletes. That's why they are getting the Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions this week.



The Mathletes will argue that I deserve at least partial credit for this award. See, the owner asked me earlier in the week if she should start Ben Roethlisberger or Aaron Rodgers. Big Ben had scored 44 and 35 points in the previous two weeks. Rodgers had hovered right around 25 for three weeks. So my suggestion -- suggestion! -- was to stick with the hot hand. Well, I was wrong.

Roethlisberger looked pretty pathetic against the Jets and scored 13 points. Rodgers looked like he was playing Madden on rookie difficulty and threw six touchdowns in the first half, finishing with 36 points. I don't think the Mathletes will be taking my advice anymore.

Cant Be That Hard's win and losses by Big Poppa -- 115-108 to Blaupunkt, this week's top point scorer (no Sad Trombone for you!) -- and Turn Down For Watt puts those three teams into a tie for first place at 7-3.
Turn Down For Watt just edges The Reservoir Dogs for this week's Sad Trombone Award. TD4W scored 53 to Go big or go home's 110.



Blaupunkt came into Sunday night down by a solid margin, but Jordy Nelson scored 27 points to put it ahead. That led to our TWEET(s) OF THE WEEK!





The Mullets moved into a three-way tie for fourth place -- the final championship playoff spot -- with a win and a loss by Dolphins of Old, which hadn't lost since Week 3. (Remember the graph.) Big Kahuna Burger beat Dolphins 96-81, making it the the third team tied for fourth. All three teams are 6-4, one game out of first place.

The graph didn't change any for PerpetualMotionSquad (seven straight losses now) and Off Constantly was, once again, not beaten. Off Constantly won 105-76 with 19 points from Kelvin Benjamin and 11 from Greg Olsen, possibly the only two players on the Panthers offense worth a hoot.

And that's it for Week 10. There are only four more weeks left in the regular season and six teams are within one game of first place. Should be a fun finish.

This week's Thursday night game is between the Bills and the Dolphins. Teams with a bye in Week 11: Ravens, Cowboys, Jagwires and Jets. Set your lineups accordingly -- ANDY.

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs (sorry, Carson Palmer),

Corey
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Wednesday, November 5, 2014

[League Update] Week 9: Goodness, graphed

PerpetualMotionSquad and Dolphins of Old are both on six-game streaks, one good and one bad.

I made a visual aid.

Color coding is key.

Let's start with the good.

Dolphins of Old has played itself right into the final championship playoff spot with a six-game win streak after starting the season 0-3. Dolphins averaged 80.9 points in those opening three losses. Since then, the team has averaged 95.77 points, with a high of 125.64 in Week 8. Dolphins has scored less than 94 points just twice in the past six weeks.

In Week 9, Dolphins beat first-place Big Poppa 95-62.

PerpetualMotionSquad, on the other hand, has played itself out of any playoff spot with six straight losses. PMS, you'll remember, was the first team to earn the Twitter avatar this season after being the only undefeated team through Week 3.

In those first three wins, PMS averaged 97.4 points. Since then, the team has averaged 80.9 in six losses, with a high of 95.34 in Week 7. PMS lost to Big Kahuna Burger 91-72 in Week 9.

PMS is no stranger to losing streaks, though. It started 0-4 in 2013, won a game, then lost four more for a 1-8 start. In 2012, PMS started 0-5.

I thought this year might be different for PMS, but, well, it looks like I was wrong.

Inscoe Bowl IV was played in Week 9 and it was ... well ... anticlimactic. There was a bit of trash talk at the beginning, but I'll be honest: I think the Muscular Mathletes have resigned themselves to playing for a top pick in next year's draft.

It did get a little interesting when the Muscular Mathletes took the lead after Sunday night, getting 53 points from Ben Roethlisberger, Torrey Smith and Justin Tucker. But Andrew Luck did his thing Monday night and helped Jeff Fisher's Mullet win 111-85, despite having a wide receiver -- Eddie Royal -- score 0 points.

We didn't even watch the game Monday night. We watched "World War Z." Fast zombies are so much scarier than slow ones.

Hey Something: We need to talk. I know games start early in Hawaii. And I get that it's not your fault that Phillip Rivers scored -2 points (#ncstateshit).

But you started a wide receiver that was on a bye and lost 91-70 to Academic Probation. That's four straight losses for you and, more importantly, the second week in a row that you've left a bye-week player in your lineup. Losing happens (see: PMS), but apathy is unacceptable. You're on notice!

It's good to see that NFL.com is getting in on the joke.



Speaking of Off Constantly, he's this week's winner of the Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions.


Off Constantly has two defenses: the Dolphins and Chargers. They played each other in Week 9. Off Constantly couldn't have chosen more poorly. The starting Chargers scored -4 points. The benched Dolphins scored 22 (four sacks, three interceptions and a fumble). As you see from the score above, that more than covers the margin of defeat.

This week's top scorer was ... Oh, me! Yeah, Mullets! *Pats self on back.*

As much as Blaupunkt tried to warm up that Sad Trombone in a 69-63 loss to Go big or go home ...



Big Poppa could manage only 62 points and steals the award this week.


Oh, local TV news.

Finally, Turn Down For Watt turned in another strong performance in a 110-97 win over Cant Be That Hard. TD4W (7-2) is now tied for the league lead with Big Poppa.

By the way, have you seen this?



This week's Thursday night game is between the Browns and the Bengals.

Teams with a bye in Week 10: Texans, Vikings, Patriots, Chargers, Washington and Colts. That means I have no Andrew Luck this week. Who is his replacement? Mark Sanchez. Sigh.

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey
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