I've never had the first pick in the Royale with Cheese draft. I studied long and hard, weighed all of the options, spent many sleepless nights on mock drafts, trying to make the perfect pick. (OK, I just Googled it about 3 hours beforehand. Close enough.)
My fantasy football draft is in like an hour and I just googled "who do I draft with the first fantasy football pick" am I doing this right?— Corey Inscoe🐶🍻👶🏻 (@CoreyInscoe) September 3, 2017
David Johnson. He would be the Mullets savior, the man who would finally put Jeff Fisher on his back and lead him to a league championship.
That dream lasted all of two hours.
Johnson — the No. 1 pick in our fantasy draft — sprained his wrist and was placed on the Injured Reserve wrist and might — might — be back after Thanksgiving. Great. Juuuuuuust great. I already give up. I would have been better off just lighting my $10 bill on fire.
Please make me feel better, Matthew Berry.
Nope. That didn't work. I'm screwed.
Let's talk about the something more fun, like how NFL.com tried to cheat Dolphins of Old out of a first week win (over me) by taking away 15 fantasy points from the Ravens' D (and other players from the Ravens and Bengals game).
For a glorious few hours, it looked like I had won, despite my top player breaking himself, and my heart. But then NFL.com had to go and "fix" the "mistake" and Dolphins of Old won 100-72. I guess I need to pay those number crunchers more next time ...
Now for everyone's favorite part of the blog —
Awards
The highest scorer of Week 1 was KB's Belly Shirts with a whopping 114-point performance in a win over WattCanISayExceptYou'reWelcome. Look, Bryan. I invited you here because I wanted to be nice to you because you're gonna be family and all. Then you have to go and show us all up. The scary part about this is that three of his players scored 5 points or less. We'll see if Alex Smith can actually keep this up, though.
Also, the fact that SugaLumps wasn't the highest scorer of this week after he had a player score 40 — FORTY — points by himself is insane.
This week's Sad Trombone goes to There's no 'I' in team, which scored a paltry 51 points in a loss to our other newcomer, Bueller (90 points). There may not be an 'I' in team, but there is one in 'IR,' where WR Allen Robinson will be joining Johnson after tearing his ACL.
The Johnny Football Award for Poor Decisions goes to Something witty, whose bench damn near outscored his starting lineup. Let's put aside the fact that Something has 3 QBs on the roster, and look at the fact that the receiver he left on the bench scored more than his starting receivers combined, and he started a running back that didn't end up playing. And he only lost to One McCaffrey Latte Please by four points, 64-60. Welcome back, Andy!
The Grumble Grumble Award goes to One McCaffrey Latte this week for this fire take: "I'm mad that the high school senior that just belted the national anthem before the Broncos/Chargers got zero screen time! She killed it!" But were you standing or sitting while she sang it, David?!? STICK TO SPORTS.
Other scores from Week 1:
- Cant Be That Hard 93, Blaupunkt 70. (Eleanor nailed her pick in Week 1.)
- PerpetualMotionSquad 102, Get Off My Dak 62.
- SugaLumps 109, Muscular Mathletes 92
- Academic Probation 73, Off Constantly 67
This week
Houston vs. Cincinnati is the Thursday night game, so set your lineups accordingly. No byes this week, unless another hurricane decides to show up.
Eleanor's pick of the week:
Season record: 1-0.
fjlghoeoiiomgiohiong ahkhakhak waaaaaaaaahslrglenkgliong blurpdedurp fjkflnfkdlannoiwenfoinlkgjkewoncgns!! (Off Constantly over Muscular Mathletes 91-85. Yeah, she picked against her mama. Bold choice.)
The Book of Faces
"Imminent rue-age for starting Dalton over Wentz...." - Off Constantly
I missed the "Twister" reference here, but OC and Latte had a cute little bonding moment over it.
Haiku for me, Haiku for you
From Eve:
Football is the best.
Sadly, Fantasy Football
Sucks a bag of dicks.
Preach.
Photo: COD Newsroom/Flickr. I have no idea who those kids are.
