Wednesday, September 10, 2014

[League Update] Week 1: What do you think this is, soccer?!?

One of my favorite writers, Tommy Tomlinson, wrote this on Monday:

Football is my favorite sport. I’d like to be able to watch it and still sleep at night. It’s getting hard. 

I feel the same way. That's all I'm going to write about what happened this week. On with the update.




***
 Sep 6
Agonizing over which mediocre defense to start tomorrow. It must be that time of year again.

It is that time of year again, and what a first week it was. The Panthers won, the Patriots lost, the Browns were bad then good then bad again, and Tony Romo and Eli Manning combined for approximately 3,542 interceptions.


 Sep 8
How about ? Makes up for the fact that Cruz has Eli "throwing passes to him". And I use that phrase loosely.

We also made Royale with Cheese history with a game ending in a tie for the first time since the league started in 2011.


(I don't know if that math is right, but I like it.)

A TIE?!? What do you guys think this is, soccer?!? (Just kidding. I love soccer. U-S-A! U-S-A!) But seriously, not only is a tie the lamest way for a sporting event to end ever, but it keeps me from making Off Constantly jokes in the first league update of the season! Humph.

OK, maybe time for one joke. It's our TWEET OF THE WEEK:

 6h
Given that Academic Probation is stuck kissing his sister, it's not a shock he can't bring himself to beat Off Constantly.

Now that's what I call a #hotsportstake.

Other results from the week:


  • Cant Be That Hard ran away with a 131-85 win over Go big or go home. Megatron with 28 points! 
  • PerpetualMotionSquad beat Blaupunkt 101-64 and also gets this week's "Improbably good decision" award (catchy title, huh?) for starting Nick Foles over Tom Brady. Foles had 14 points, Brady 10. Luck? Skill? Who knows. 
  • Big Poppa held off a late charge by Something to win 98-95. 
  • Turn Down for Watt (yessss ...) never trailed and beat The Reservoir Dogs 113-68, bringing us to our worst lineup decision of the week. The Dogs started Cam Newton. Oops. Not that it mattered much, though. The backup QB was Eli Manning.

  • Big Kahuna Burger beat the Muscular Mathletes 99-63. Wanna know how often I heard about Roethlisberger and the Titans D being on the Mathletes bench Sunday? Lots of times.

    Also: Mathletes won the first Sad Trombone of the 2014 season.



A minute-long video of cats reacting to the sad trombone? Shut down the internet. Everyone can go home. 


  • And, finally, a nice second half performance by Andrew Luck Sunday night helped Jeff Fisher's Mullet get past Dolphins of Old 80-75. Yes, I started a Twitter account for my team. Make fun of me all you want, but I wanted to have a place to talk trash without angering others and I wanted it separate from the league's account. So please give me a follow so I can stop retweeting myself.

This week's most optimistic roster move honor goes to Cant Be That Hard for this:



I don't know if he'll actually get to play again this year, but he can sell you a car. Or if you go to the Fresh Market in Chapel Hill you may be able to trade cars with him.

I decided I'm not going to do the "You Got Lucky" award this year since that song is so 2013. So suggestions for a new, equally ridiculous award are welcome. Throw them in the comments or on the Tweeter.

This week's Thursday night game is the Steelers vs. the Ravens, so get players on those teams set by tomorrow night and everyone else by Sunday. No teams have byes this week, so you don't have to worry about that.

Wishing you sure hands and strong ACLs,

Corey
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