The Sports Media Landscape is dominated by patriotic controversy, excessive celebrations and concussions, which can only mean one thing: FOOTBALL IS BACK, BABY!
We're only one week into the 2016 Royale With Cheese season and there's already so much to talk about. Namely, my team sucks, Katie's doesn't and we have a new award.
But first: In case you missed it, Katie started a Royale With Cheese secret group on Facebook this week, which has already become a hot mess -- and I love it. Everyone should have been invited to it by this point. If not, shoot me an email and I'll fix that. Much of the solid gold trash talk that makes this blog post comes from that Facebook group. You can definitely still use Twitter -- that's my go-to platform, and I'll still be updating and watching -- but Facebook seems to be better for conversations.
OK, I've wasted enough time -- Let's talk about how my team is a steaming hot pile of garbage waste. Yeah, I scored 49 points and lost to Dolphins of Old. Honestly, I'm surprised I did that well. That beer I damn near chugged before the draft started clearly got to my head because holy crap that team is a dumpster fire.
But no, Darin and Katie, that's not the lowest score ever. That dishonor goes to Blaupunkt, which scored 29 points -- with a full lineup -- back in 2013. That performance earned first and only Sad Orchestra award. My performance is definitely deserving of more than just the Sad Trombone award. How about the Sad Brass Quintet?49 - Roger Staubach birth year-OR— darinmorton (@darinmorton) September 13, 2016
49 - Joe Namath birth year-OR
49 - our commissioners total point production Week 1 @RoyaleWCheeseFB
I used to be good at this game. Heck, I won a league Ben started last year and barely paid attention. (Sorry, Shaggy, but it's true.)
But in the league I started, the league I spend so much time on, my team is about as useless as Tim Tebow in a baseball uniform.
Now let's move on to more interesting things.
I know I've mentioned Katie a lot in this post but it's because she might as well be running the whole league after scoring 147.58 points in a win over Off Constantly. Yes -- Katie beat Off Constantly last weekend. She deserves an award.
This week's Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions (yeah, we're bringing it back) goes to -- Theon's Deflated Balls (still don't get this reference).
Balls left Jordan Matthews (17 points) on the bench and started four wide receivers who accounted for fewer than 13 points combined. And Balls only lost to The Tolbert Report by 4 points.
Speaking of Tolbert Report -- it left Jameis Winston on the bench and he scored 15 points better than the starter, Dak Prescott, prompting this comment from Jeremy: "As a result of me leaving Winston on the bench I will be adding him back to my starting lineup and renaming my team, 'Jameis Take the Wheel.'" Yes, please.
And for the newest RWC Award: The Grumble Grumble Award, given to the team that loses by the fewest points.
This week's Grumble Grumble winner is Watt A Girl Wants, which lost to Muscular Mathletes by .56 points (89.46-88.9).
Other scores from Week 1:
- There's no 'I' in team 126.5, Can't be that hard 85.72. It can be that hard when you start the Rams' defense.
- Blaupunkt 99.86, PerpetualMotionSquad 76.26.
— Matthew Parunak (@Mattpar14) September 13, 2016- Academic Probation 105.2, SugaLumps 78.22. Poor Todd Gurley -- The Rams are more impotent than Jeff Fisher's Mullet.
Now let's hear from the rest of the league:
- "I tossed around a football on Saturday for about 5 minutes and I did better than the Rams." - Can't Be That Hard.
- "Katie must be feeling the best of all of us this morning, she spent all weekend beating Off Constantly." - Off Constantly.
- "Fuck Pierre Garçon. That is all." - Theon's Deflated Balls.
The Jets and the Bills play Thursday, and no teams have a bye in Week 2 because that would be weird. Set your lineups accordingly.
Now let's end this excessively long post with an
Week one of football
Always gets me fired up
Then despair sets in.
*Eve argues that "fired" can be pronounced as two syllables, which would make this an actual haiku.
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