Football is stupid. There, I said it. It's dumb. The Panthers are bad for some reason this season, the Tar Heels played a turd of a game yesterday and my fantasy team is a steaming hot pile of garbage waste on a hot day.
But here we are again, on the eve of another Sunday full of football, and it's time to write the league update. Yeah, it's a little late. The week got away from me. The offer for anyone else to write the update stands, as always. Just let me know.
Now on to the crap.
First let's take a look at who's undefeated after Week 4:
(crickets)
YEP. That's right. All three undefeated teams lost last week. Ain't that something? That means we have a six-way tie for first place right now, with all of these teams at 3-1:
- Big Kahuna Burger
- There's no "I" in team
- Blaupunkt
- Theon's Deflated Balls
- Muscular Mathletes
- Get Off My Dak (Great team name. This might be my new favorite)
That's nearly half the league tied for first. Parity, man. This is anyone's league. Well except mine, probably. Because now let's take a look at the teams that are still winless after Week 4.
- Jeff Fisher's Mullet.
YEP. IT'S JUST ME DOWN HERE. IT'S FINE, REALLY. I'M OK.
Cant Be That Hard had to go and win a freakin' game last week, leaving me alone at the bottom. The only real consolation here is that right above me there are four teams at 1-3 -- Dolphins of Old, PerpetualMotionSquad, Academic Probation and CBTH -- so it's not like I'm miles behind the pack. But still -- my team sucks.
Morgan, though: Still not jazzed about his team CBTH:
I got my first win last week, and I still have zero faith in my team. They suck! You want proof? I've left less than 26 points on the bench this season, and 3 or less for the past 3 weeks. Even if I had set a perfect lineup every week, I'd still be 1-3. My team is full of sad sacks! Is it too early to fire my head coach?
I am managing the Muscular Mathletes for the next two weekends while Courtney is out of the country, so I'll at least get a taste of what it's like to have a talented team. Or I'll ruin her season. We'll see.
Awards
This week's Sad Trombone goes to, once again, not me! It's There's no "I" in team with 46 points in a loss to Big Kahuna Burger, who scored just 57.
I think we're gonna keep this GIF around for a while.
It's really distracting to write with that on the screen, by the way.
The highest scorer of the week was Watt A Girl Wants with 134 in a win over Blaupunkt.
Man I had forgotten about that video ... hello, middle school.
This really was a week of haves and have nots, though. Five teams scored 100 or more points, and five scored 57 or less.
This week's Jameis Winston Award for Poor Decisions goes to Blaupunkt, whose bench scored 75 points. That bench would have beaten six teams last week. Instead, they did nothing and Blaupunkt lost to Watt A Girl Wants 134-94. What a waste of Julio Jones absolutely torching the Panthers.
But let's talk about how stacked that lineup was. The bench and team scored a combined 169 points. I don't think my starters have scored 75 points in a game yet this year. Yep, just checked. That's a fact. Share the wealth, Blaupunkt!
This week's Grumble Grumble Award goes to Dolphins of Old, which lost to SugaLumps 102-53. Here's why that's gotta be annoying, other than the fact that SugaLumps was awful last year. Dolphins only had one player score in double digits -- and it wasn't the quarterback. And SugaLumps started a still scored more than 100 points.
Look, y'all make it seem like this game is easy and just fall ass backwards into a 100-point game and I'm over here working my tail off and I can't do anything.
Football is stupid.
Other scores from Week 4:
Cant Be That Hard beat Academic Probation 128-114.
Off Constantly beat PerpetualMotionSquad 123-53
Theon's Deflated Balls beat Muscular Mathletes 95-62
Get Off My Dak beat Jeff Fisher's Mullet 81-52
This week's Facebook comment of the week goes to Off Constantly for this gem:
"PerpetualMotionSquad just doesn't have what it takes to beat Off Constantly.."
Thank you NFL.com!
Some honorable mentions:
- The good news for Steven is that I likely won't still be triple his score by tomorrow morning. The bad news is I will likely still be double B-) -Off Constantly
- Corey I found an upside to your lost last week. Your starters beat my bench by 5. Yay! -Get Off My Dak
- My auto-draft team has done better than anytime I picked myself. -Blaupunkt
And this from Big Kahuna Burger:
Gems I found from the Game Center recaps last week...
Blaupunkt actually averages more per game in losses (94.72) than wins (94.69)
Jeff Fisher's Mullet is watching the season slip away and is winless.
Sigh ...
And now we're going to close it out with TWO poems. Y'all really brought the heat this week.
First, a limerick from Katie:
There was a young girl with a wish
Fantasy victories each week to dish
She followed her dream
The other teams scream
Big Kahuna is the top fish
And our weekly haiku from Eve. This one's titled "How We Stand."
Six teams tied for first
No one is undefeated
Poor Corey is last
Football is stupid.
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