It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining. The air has that crisp, cool feel of fall. It's the kind of day where you feel like anything could happen. It's a day full of hope and promise. A team that has suffered for so, so long without winning anything finally had a moment to celebrate this week. It brought tears to the eye.
I'm talking, of course, about Jeff Fisher's Mullets. Because I WOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNN WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Oh yeah, and the Cubs also did good.)
It finally happened. I won a game. My team isn't total trash. Well, it kind of still is. I'm still in last place. But it's a slightly less aggressively burning garbage dump of a team. And I'm not going to go 0-14 and, right now, that feels like winning a championship. And I get to do this:
Teams that are still winless through Week 8:
- None because I WOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNN WOOOOOOOOOOOO.
We'll discuss this in more detail soon. For now let's focus on the top of the table, where the other half lives.
Big Kahuna Burger is still at the top of the league with a 7-1 record, while Watt A Girl Wants and Get Off My Dak sit tied for second at 6-2. Then there's a little separation, with 7 teams tied at 4-4. The race for the final championship playoff spot is shaping up to be really, really interesting.
At the bottom, with me, you've got Academic Probation at 2-6, and PerpetualMotionSquad and Off Constantly at 3-5.
And just because I told you I'd do this, in the other league Off Constantly started I'm tied for first at 6-2. Really feelin' both sides of the table this season.
The Awards
The highest point scorer this week was Jeff Fisher's Mullet -- WHAT?!? Yeah, that's right. Not only did I win last week but I scored more than anyone else in the league with 113 points. This is a new world that we live in, y'all. I'm coming for you. And this is despite the fact that Jamaal Charles, one of the people that Get Off My Dak traded me to help my crap team, is having surgery and went on IR because of course he did.
This week's Sad Trombone goes to the Muscular Mathletes for the second week in a row. The Inscoe household is trending in opposite ways at this point. You could blame it on the fact that I managed her team for two weeks while she was out of the country, and that my bad mojo rubbed off on it. You could blame it on that.
This week's Johnny Football Award for Poor Decisions goes to Off Constantly. Off Constantly had LeSean McCoy in the R/W/T spot, and he scored a big ol' 0 (was he even active?) as SugaLumps beat Off Constantly by 2. A number of players on Off Constantly's bench -- Reed (15.9), Brown (10.9), Woods (5), Henry (15.7) -- scored more than enough to give Off Constantly the win. But it didn't happen, and yet another person beat Off Constantly last week. I'm really looking forward to beating Off Constantly this week. I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna feel so good.
The Grumble Grumble Award Theon's Deflated Balls. He easily could have earned the Johnny Football Award, but I'll give him this one instead. Here's why: The Panthers finally won another freakin' game, and you'd assume that in a Panthers win comes a big game for Greg Olsen, arguably the best receiver on the team. NOPE. Somehow Olsen was only targeted three times and caught one pass for 11 yards, giving the TE 1.1 points. Balls lost to Watt A Girl Wants by 2.
This week's Most Ridiculous Headline Written by an NFL.com Computer:
Waxes. And I love that they decided to talk about Academic Probation's losing streak, not the fact that I hadn't won a game all season. Which brings me to ...
The Outscored By Inscoe Award goes to Academic Probation, who has the dubious honor of being the first team to lost to Jeff Fisher's Mullets this season! The Mullets not only won, they dominated in a 113-62 win. I had a good feeling after the Sunday morning game, when I had 35 points from just two players. I usually get that many points from more than half my team. But finally, for the first time all season, everyone showed up. I even left some points on the bench. It was a good day.
And as he said in the Facebook post, Karma is a bitch.
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Other scores from the week
Big Kahuna Burger 88, Muscular Mathletes 55: Analysis from Cant Be That Hard: "I'm sitting here thinking that whoever has JStew is having a good game. Then I look, and he's riding the bench for Big Kahuna Burger." What must it be like to be able to leave a starting running back on your bench??? Also, this is BKB's 6th straight win. Watt A Girl Wants has also won 6 straight.
Get Off My Dak 95, PerpetualMotionSquad 81: "Watching my Win against Get Off My Dak slip away 0.10 points at a time...." (Channelling Chris Berman) A little Dak'll do ya.
Cant Be That Hard 107, Blaupunkt 100: A high-scoring affair here and it all turned on a HUGE performance Jordan Howard, who scored 26 points for CBTH on Monday night. It's the kind of comeback you always hope will happen but never actually does.
Dolphins of Old 98, There's no 'I' in team 72: Gronk doing Gronk things, like scoring his 69th touchdown.
Gronk said his mom was so proud of him for scoring his 69th career touchdown. #Patriots pic.twitter.com/0SXQa2aAtq— Chad Amaral (@chad_amaral) October 30, 2016
The Book of Faces
Two winners I want to highlight this week:
- "Man, my arm is sore." -SugaLumps. I literally just got this one today.
- "Looking at everyone's Game Centers like BYE BYE BYYYYE" -Big Kahuna Burger.
Seriously, though: If you haven't looked at your lineups yet you should. It seems like half of the league is on bye this week somehow.
Haiku for you, Haiku for me
Eve's back with her weekly poem, and this one's just beautiful. We'll end with it:
We all can't believe
That Corey finally won.
It's just like the Cubs.
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